navy = flashback
We stumble in a tangled web
decaying friendships almost dead
And hide behind a mask of lies
Ever since that time I spent with Lina, I have reached a great amount of inner turmoil. I have found myself feeling some strange feeling, a feeling that I know I must have felt at one time... but it eludes me. It makes me uneasy, but I realize that I do not want to see Lina again...and yet, I feel this strangest need to. That kiss I stole and yet not stole changed everything.
Remembering it, I shiver, as though someone just dumped a bucket of water mixed with ice cubes down the back of my shirt. We had danced - she hadn't dragon-slaved me when I suddenly joined her in her private dancing - and we had kissed. Rather, I had kissed her, and she had kissed me back. I had slipped my arms around her slender waist so she couldn't get away immediately, which she did not do, but held me close in turn.
So unlike the Lina-chan that I know and want. But I liked her expression, almost languid and sleepy, and the slight smile she wore, a smile that I touched with my fingertips, which she kissed. I'd replaced my fingers with my own lips, and again, I didn't even earn so much as a flare arrow for my impunity.
A thought crossed my mind then. The spell I had woven was working faster than I had anticipated, far far faster than it should have. The idea should have pleased me, for it meant that soon, Lina Inverse would be irrevocably bound to my will. But it did not.
While I pondered the illogical inanity of it, a memory tugged at my mind. Feeling that it should be important, I gave into it, and allowed myself to return to the past.
"Mila! Mila! Look, I did it!" my voice sang in the crisp, cold winter air. I turned to see my mentor and guardian
approach me and pluck me from the more than waist-deep snow. Tenderly, he dusted me off as I thrust the carefully
made snowball into his line of vision. "I finally did it, Mila!"
A soft chuckle was my reply. "Yes, you did, Xerross-chan." He ruffled my hair, flinging away the snow encrusted
there, and rubbed my reddish cheeks to warm them. "But now that you were able to make a snowball, what do you
intend to do with it?" Blue eyes, as blue as ice but far warmer, shone at me from beneath a mop of messy blond bangs,
tossed by the breezes that blew through our woodland mountain home.
I looked down at the snowball, thinking hard, as hard as a three-year old could. "Um, set it free?"
Milgazia laughed this time, much louder. "No, no, you do this." he knelt down in the snow, taking the snowball from
my hands, making it look so pathetically small in his larger ones. He placed it carefully in the snow and began to push
at it gently, the way you pat a rabbit on the rear to make it hop a few steps. To my surprise, the ball got bigger. Then
he packed the added snow around the now invisible ball, making it small again. "Just keep doing that. I'll be right
back, daijibou, Xerross-chan?"
Pleased and eager to dive into the new activity, I had made the ball as large as my head by the time Milgazia came
back, with something in a sack. The ball became much bigger later on, by the time we had rolled it near our home,
that it was taller than me. Then we set out making a slightly smaller ball.
We finished the snowman just before it was time to cook dinner. I must have fallen asleep, because the next thing I
remember was waking up, tucked warmly with a blanket next to the fireplace, to the delicious smells of supper.
Milgazia had made my favorite stew, and a cake. "Happy Birthday, Xerross!" he said. So that was why we didn't study
today! It wasn't really my birthday, it was the day that Milgazia found me three years ago. But since I didn't know my
birthday, he decided to make that day my birthday.
The present I got was a book, not of magic, but of legends and fairy tales, and Milgazia read to me next to the
fireplace, while eating cake and hot chocolate. When he saw me nodding off, he picked me up and tucked me into bed,
as I hugged the book to my chest. He gently put the book on the stand next to the bed, and I kissed him good night.
"I love you, Mila. Thanks for a great birthday." I told him sleepily.
"Mmmm. I love you too, little one. Now go to sleep. Your snowman will keep the nightmares away." he gestured to
the snowman outside the window.
And I didn't have any nightmares that night.
With a cold hand gripping my heart, I realized now what I felt. I loved Lina. I had fallen in love with her, and no longer wanted to own her, as I previously had.
But the spell was in motion, and I could not stop it.
We twist and turn and we avoid,
all hope of salvage now devoid
I see the truth inside your eyes
No! I thought. There had to be a way to cancel the spell, but how? I felt my heart sink into the pit of my soul. I frowned. Mazoku don't love! I wasn't supposed to fall in love with her! The spell was supposed to put her in my control, in any way conceivable!
Another memory slipped into my mind: Milgazia, sitting on the bed of pine needles, just after I had massacred his race, his eyes wide, face pale and worn with shock and grief. The words he had rasped that had failed to move me then tore into me now.
How could you do this to me?!
I shook my head, trying to force my memory and conscience away. But the visions would not leave me. I rose, clutching my unresponsive head and roared in anger.
Why?!
Lina's face, her gentle, hopeful smile, the tender look in her eyes... and I knew, then, that she too, loved me, I, who sought to betray her, destroy her...
Thank you, Xerross...
And then, I knew what would break the spell.
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud.
I knew then that the spell had made her love me. Therefore, it was not too late yet. All I had to do was tell her everything, and then...she would hate me.
I stopped, as the thought chilled me even more than the deepest part of Dynast Grausheela's dungeon. Hate me? I didn't want her to hate me! But...
I love you, Mila...Thanks for a great birthday... "Happy Birthday, Xerross!"..."..daijobu, Xerross-chan?...
...but I loved Lina. I wanted to see her smile, see her laugh, see her eyes light up at the mention of treasure, or magical items to be found...moreover, I wanted to see her free. And if she hated me... she would be.
Even if it meant that she would hate me forever, I would tell her the truth. I would tell her what I had done, and before she tries to kill me...
I would tell her that I loved her.
You could ressurect a thousand words
to deceive me, more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
I found Lina in a stuff-your-face race with Gourry and Amelia, and surprisingly, Zelgadiss. She stopped eating upon seeing me and smiled widely, waving me to a seat next to her. "Hey, Xerross! Wanna eat? Come join us for a change!"
Her friends choked on their food and collectively stared at their red-haired friend. I was choking on what I had to tell her, and what she had told me only further confirmed that she cared for me. I told myself that it wasn't real, that it was because of magic, and nerved myself even more. Lina was notorious for being selfish with food - especially her food. Even the brainless swordsman could tell that her offering me - especially me - some of the feast laid out and disappearing before her was monumentally out of character. Zelgadiss' expression revealed his rightful mistrust. Not this time, Mon Chimera, not this time, and maybe, never again. Before anyone else could protest or even open their mouths, Xerross strode up to Lina. "We have to talk." he told her urgently.
Lina wiped her face and rose from her table. "Good. I want to talk to you too, Xerross. I have something very important to tell you."
And that was exactly what I was afraid of.
Taking her hand, we blurred out of the room, just as Zelgadiss rose, his hand outstretched to stop his friend.
Time manipulates your heart
preconceptions torn apart
Begin to doubt my state of mind
We reappeared in the grove where we had danced. Lina moved away from me, then turned back, looking very serious. "I want you to listen to me, Xerross -no, don't say anything. Let me finish, because I'll say it only once." I shut my open mouth and waited in dread.
My fears were confirmed when she said the dreaded words out loud. "I love you."
"I was afraid of that...Lina, I have to tell you something." I grasped her shoulders so she would be forced to hear me out. Her eyes were wide with surprise. I knew that was hardly the response she was waiting to hear. "You say you love me, but I know it isn't true love." She looked at me as if I were crazy. Maybe I was, for telling her the truth. I hardened my heart against her expression of startlement and continued. "Remember the lessons I was giving you, the lessons in magic? The spellbook was mine, from long ago. I penned the thing, and it's trapped with a spell. The one who learned from the book would become my slave...and it would use any means possible to make that happen, since only I can translate the book for the student.
"The book was the trap Lina, and you took the bait."
But I won't go down on what I said
I won't contract convictions read
I may perplex but I'm not blind
Lina's expression did not change, which more or less meant that she wasn't convinced. I wanted to shake her. "Don't you understand, Lina? The spell made you fall in love with me! Have you thought about why you suddenly did? A dance can't make you fall in love with a person! Lina, think! You're the smartest human I know of! especially in your circle of friends. I'm telling you the truth! You have to believe me!" I sounded insane, even to myself.
I received a raised eyebrow and a sarcastic smirk in return. "If what you're saying is true, Xerross, that I was this close to givng myself up, in every single possible way...why are you telling me this? I mean, the Mazoku have been after me for years. I know the Beastmaster gave you orders to watch over me - I figured that much out, otherwise, why would you even be here? Maybe she even gave you instructions to see if I could be turned. If so, telling me could possibly destroy your plans. Again, why are you telling me all this? If it's to break this girl's heart, you're doing it in a strange way. Saying that a spell in your book made me fall in love... My heart isn't so easily duped, Xerross."
So take all this noise into your brain
and send it back again
I'll bear the cost, shed my skin, call you up and then...
I'll say the words out loud.
I gaped at her. The spell had worked in too deeply -- she wasn't going to believe me, no matter what I told her, but I still had to try make her hate me somehow. But she had hit it right on the nail. Everything she said was true, and despite it all, I felt a surge of pride that she had figured out my scheme. But it had to end here.
"You ask me why I told you, why am I betraying my master, the absolute power of a Lord's order over her subordinate. Why I even have the willpower to go against all my instincts and those orders.
"What you say is true. I was sent by the Beastmaster to watch over you. Why I do not know, or question. She did hint that I might try to turn you over to our side - certainly, there was logic in that - you, one of the most powerful and feared sorceresses in the known world, working for the Mazoku... I don't even have to continue. You know the implications of that. You know that if my Master ever found out what I have done, I will most probably be destroyed. Probably not, since I am so valuable to her. But I have been faithful to her for over a thousand years. Why break that faith now?
"The answer, Lina-chan, is as prosaic as any you'd ever find in a cheap love novella, but perhaps all the more poignant because it's coming from a heartless demon-souled Mazoku like I. I, who sought to seduce you, bind you to me, rob you of your freedom, destroy everything that you are, just to make you into a mindless, will-less puppet of my Master.
"Why Lina? Because I love you."
You could ressurect a thousand words
to deceive me, more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
"That's nice to know," Lina smiled at me. "I love you too, Xerross."
I wanted to scream, and did exactly that, in sheer desperate frustration. She still didn't believe me!!!! "LINA!!! Don't you understand what I said to you?! You'll become like me! Destroying everything that means or meant something to you, just on the order of a Lord! You'll do anything I'll say! Lina, that isn't you! I don't want you to become a doll, made to dance to some unholy tune! Dance your dance, not mine! Your own music, not someone else's! Your 'love' binds you to me! It's like a chain you put on your own neck, the manacle you clamped around your own wrist, the cage you locked yourself into and tossed the key away. You mustn't love me - anyone, but not me."
And still, she smiled easily at me.
I'll say the words out loud
I'll say a thousand words or more
"Lina, Lina, you say you love me, then believe me when I say that you shouldn't love me. You know in your heart that what I say is true. I used you, used your feelings and made a mockery of them. Lina, I love you, but I don't deserve your love in return. You must understand the paradox of this, but I'll do anything to set you free, and keep you that way!" I pleaded desperately, near tears.
And still, she sat on that log, her legs crossed and her hands wrapped around one knee, smiling at me as though what I was telling her was an amusing story.
Manipulation.
I started to grow angry. "Don't you get it? I used your love of knowledge to trap you! You were so hungry, so very hungry for power! I used it before, but just for amusement, leading you and your friends around in search for Clair Bibles! I took it a step further this time and gave you a book myself! I fed you tiny little tidbits of knowledge, real tidbits, as you have found out, but each little morsel that you swallowed was poison! And yet, even after I've told you what that poison will do, you still think that you love me. Don't you understand that you've been used? Lina, you hate being misled!"
And still she smiled at me, nodding as though to indulge a child.
Fabrication.
I tried another tack. "All of this has been a game for me, Lina, a game that up to now, I enjoyed. I enjoyed leading you all around by the nose, seeing you jump when I wanted you to jump. Most of what I told you, which you eventually found out was false, I knew from the start. I enjoyed the emotions of frustration that you all felt, the anger, the disappointment, was all just delicious samples of what I could drive you to. I wove a web of lies, made a net of plots, and set them out in the open. And yet, you walked into them, and I laughed, then rescued you from them so I could play with you yet another time."
She smiled serenely, as though she knew this all along.
Conversation.
"With smooth words and talk I led you onto this path, saying I was bored. I was, that was true, which was why, at the time, I had decided to end the game, and trap you once and for all. Don't you see what I have been doing? I would lead you onto the dark paths, lead you to a cliff and let you fall. You would dangle from my hand, deprived of the power of free will, and stare at me pleadingly, not to let you go, not to let you fall. Do you want to end up that way, Lina? Reduced to begging me for your next breath?"
And still, she smiled, without a care in the world.
Annihilation
Wouldn't anything make her hate me?! Anything I say? "I would let you go, after I had sated myself on your uncertainty, and feast on your fear and despair as you fell. And still, you would reach out for me, even as you plummeted to the depths. And as you lie broken, still the name you would call for would be mine. You would make yourself stand, and you would climb from the pit that I had cast you in, and when you reach the precipice, you will find me, unhelping. You will never see me for the devil that I am, happy to do my very bidding, obey my every whim, just to gain my approval."
She nodded, as though accepting that fact.
I'll say a thousand words or more
"I would make you destroy your friends, one by one, in the slowest, most painful possible way. I would have you show Amelia that there is no true justice for those she so claims to protect, that daily, they hunger and scrape for the meager scraps and crumbs that they subsist on. I would have you dangle the cure for Zelgadiss' condition in front of his nose, then have you crush his hopes in a single fell clenching of your fingers. And I would have you gut that mindless swordsman Gourry with his own sword, and as he lay drowning in his own blood, I would have you take that sword and break it in two, releasing it's magic into the surrounding forces for all eternity."
Not only did she smile at me, but she winked at me as well.
Damnation.
Finally, a last method came to me, if she could not, refused to hate me, then I would spare her such an existance. "I do not want to see that happen. Ever." I hefted my staff slightly. The stone it held, the ruby crystal that held the heartblood of a race of dragons within, was more than heavy enough to crush her skull. She would die without feeling any pain...and her heart would be added to the many my gemstone captured within. "I'd rather see you dead. Forgive me, Lina Inverse." I stepped toward her and raised my staff above my head.
Frustration
That odd smile she had been wearing all throughout grew wider all of a sudden, and her eyes, her beautiful ruby eyes, sparkled like gemstones drenched in blood. Lina's shoulders began to tremble, as she bowed her head suddenly. Was she crying? I lowered my staff. Perhaps I didn't have to kill her after all. I heard soft noises from her, in time to her trembling. Sobs? I fervently hoped so. They sounded like sobs, like the weak mewing of a newborn kitten calling blindly for it's mother. If she was weeping, then it meant that I had succeeded. The thought left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I felt a pain in my chest. Lina hated me.
She wrapped her arms around herself, as her hiccuping grew louder. My heart shriveled to realize that she was laughing! She was not crying, but laughing, and that laughter rose, until she threw back her head and laughed her mirth to the heavens above.
Elevation
Lina wiped her eyes free of tears, still giggling insanely. Perhaps she had gone mad. She stood up and looked up at me. "Idiot," she chuckled. "You are such an idiot." she clutched her midsection, alternating whimpers of pain and laughter. "Oh, I knew all along. Fool." I stared at her. She knew?! How could she have known?!
"The trick's on you, Xerross Trickster Priest. I'm immune to mind-bending spells. My headband ensures that." she fingered the black, rune-embroidered silk and velvet ribbon stretched across her forehead. "It also warns me when someone tries. But I knew that spellbook you held was genuine, so I had you teach me and I gained so many new spells! Who used who, Xerross?" she pushed me lightly on the chest with the palm of her gloved hand. I was so shocked that I toppled over without any resistance. Again, it was I who gazed up at her, and she was again smiling down at me.
"I told you that my heart is not so easily duped, Xerross, and I meant it. But did you ever wonder why I tolerated your presence anyway? I guess you never thought about it, since you thought that I couldn't do anything about it anyway, right?" I nodded dumbly; never had I been so robbed of speech, or so...so... deceived!!!!
Procreation
"You lose, Xerross. I win." Lina grinned at me. "I played your game against you, and you handed me victory on a silver platter." I only blinked, my eyes wide open as I realized that she did....I did indeed, do what she said. I grinned suddenly, stupidly. She did win. In a masterful turning of strategy. I was glad, elated beyond imagination, to learn that her love for me was true, and that my spell had not worked at the very beginning. Suddenly, I was assailed by doubts. Could she still love me, after I had confirmed her suspicions?
Lina knelt at my side, her expression tender, and she gently touched my face, as though she knew what I was thinking.
I wouldn't be surprised if she did.
I'll say a thousand words or more.
"I love you still, despite all that you said. Everything you said was perhaps true once, horrible and true. You also told me why you told. I believed you, Xerross. I believe you now." Lina placed her other hand on my other cheek, so that she cupped my face, far far different from the slap I had imagined she would lay upon me, more so than the Dragon Slave I thought she would throw at me. But that did not belie my confusion. Why did she love me?
My face must have shown my emotions, something it rarely did. Lina leaned forward and lightly touched her lips to mine. "I need someone who can keep me on my toes, someone who will be able to keep up with me, and someone...who will live as long as I will. You're the one person I've found who can. You bear up with my inanities, and put up with my eccentricities. Someone stronger than me. Who can keep me in line when I have to be reined in without strangling me.
"Do you think you could do that?"
I grinned at her. "I've been doing it all this time, haven't I?"
She scowled at me and whacked me one on the shoulder. "Back to your old normal..." she smiled at me "lovably annoying self."
I winked and wagged my finger at her. "But that's why you love me, ne, my Lina-chan, my little, Lina-koishii*..."
Lina pursed her lips. "I don't mind the rest, but little?" she whined.
I smiled at her. "In size only, Lina-koishii, in size only."
Lina quirked her lip sideways, then held her hand to me. "If you fell, I would catch you." she pulled me to my feet.
"You mean, you think I won't?! Lina-chan, you're so mean!" I leaned down to kiss her cheek.
This time, and she never would again, she didn't punt me into the atmosphere.
You could ressurect a thousand words
to deceive me, more and more
A thousand words will give the reasons why
I don't need you anymore
Later, we sat underneath a tree, my head comfortably pillowed in her lap, gazing up at the stars. I smiled happily, having got what I really wanted.
"Xerross?"
"Yes?"
"Does this mean you're a fugitive now? From the rest of your kind?"
I mulled that over and shrugged. "Should I be worried? I mean," I grinned up at her "I have the Demon-Slayer with me, ne?" I laughed as she almost absently rubbed her knuckles roughly across my skull.
After a moment, she joined my laughter. "I guess you're right."
Then Zelgadiss, Gourry and Amelia joined us on under the tree. "There you are." Zelgadiss said frostily. "We've spent half the day looking for you two! What have you done with Lina, you namagomi Mazoku?" he drew his sword.
I felt a vein pop in my forehead. Namagomi? But Lina only ran her hand through my hair and purred. "Oh Zel-kun, Xerross isn't a namagomi Mazoku."
Gourry blinked. "Oh? What kind of Mazoku is he then? I mean, Filia-dono used to call him that all the time..." Lina leaned down and kissed my forehead tenderly. "He's my Mazoku-kareshii**."
I watched as Zelgadiss' eyes all but bugged out of his stony face (sorry, pun intended), Gourry said "Oh, that's nice," and Amelia danced around, cheering happily in joy.
"Wai! Wai! That's GREAT!" she cheered.
Zelgadiss turned to stare at her. "I don't really see how that could be so fantastic, Amelia." he said in disbelief.
Amelia's eyes filled with stars, and her positive energy filled me with waves of morning sickness. "It means that Xerross-san has really been turned over to the side of Goodness and Justice, because of his Great Love for Lina-san!!!" The two other men facefaulted. Then she whipped out a piece of paper. "This is PERFECT!!! I can finally sing that song I promised to compose to commemorate Xerross' conversion to Justice and Good!" I cringed in horror. I forgot about that!
Amelia struck a pose. "The power of Good and the righteousness of Justic prevails over evil yet again!!!!"
That was the last thing I saw before Lina picked me up by the scruff of my collar and ran over ten miles in a single second.
* koishii = darling, dearest.
** kareshii = lover, beloved, or...(grin) husband.