This is a songfic, I don't own either the characters or the song, which BTW is Fumbling Towards Ecstasy by Sarah McLachlan.
All the fear has left me now
I'm not frightened anymore.
Zelgadiss sat within the circle he had created in the temple and breathed deeply. He could feel the calming effect of the meditation setting in as the stiff muscles of his shoulders and back began to relax. He felt good, for the first time in years he didn't feel like he was wasting time, he didn't feel like he should be moving, he wasn't afraid that his cure was floating farther and farther from his reach.
It was nice, not having to worry about that. Having released his obsession he found that he could enjoy his life more. Even better, without his quest, he had found acceptance.
It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh.
It's my mouth that pushes out this breath.
Breathing deeply he concentrated on how the stone flesh moved more easily than it logically should. He listened to the strong pounding of his heart and thought about how secure it was beneath that rock-hard armour. Somehow he had gotten used to being invulnerable. Never once during his quest had he considered the fact that he'd likely get killed in his first fight after being cured. His entire method of swordplay was now based on the fact that his skin would stop any blades his own sword missed.
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love.
He still wished for the freedom of his human body, but he no longer mourned it. After all, what he had wanted from that body was not guaranteed by having it, nor did this body guarantee that he would not, he could see that now.
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.
The fear that he would become a monster if he let his guard down had also left him. He knew who he was, regardless of how he looked. Never again would he worry about loosing control based only on the make-up of his body. He had come to terms with his nature, it could not haunt him anymore.
Companion to our demons
They will dance and we will play.
The power those fears held was only the power that he gave them. Sitting in the centre of his circle, he could see this fact clearly. It seemed so simple now, like a light had gone on within him.
With chairs candles and clothes
Making darkness in the day.
Understanding lead to change, even if that change was only internal. The light he had found was chasing away the darkness that had raised within him for so long.
It will be easy
To look in or out
It was nice, to see himself in that light and not feel the need to cringe. To look at his life and see hope in the future and not merely endless futility.
Upstream or down
Without a thought
That light brought pain with it as well however. Showed him all the time he had wasted alone in his sorrow, alone in his fear. It was all right though, those shadows wouldn't haunt him.
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
Even in those blind years he had found so much. He had not yet found what he was really looking for, but he was not alone anymore, and he could wait.
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it.
I won't fear love.
His friends cared about him, just as he cared about them. He was no longer alone, he no longer felt that he should be.
Peace in the struggle
To find peace
He was content. It was such a foreign feeling that it had taken him a long time to identify it. There was more that he wanted, but for now, he had more than he had dared to dream for.
Comfort on the way
To comfort
Loneliness was no longer an enemy. He no longer had to deny that it existed within him because it would no longer overwhelm him. He no longer counted himself apart from the others, and in that he had found his solace.
And if I shed a tear I won't cage it.
I won't fear love
Opening his eyes he looked around the empty temple and smiled, releasing the circle as he did so. It helped at times to have quiet and solitude in order to clear his thoughts, but he no longer needed to be alone for as long as he used to. In fact, he found he often missed the boisterous presence of his friends after a while. He liked the companionship. Stretching briefly, he left the temple and returned to the inn.
And if I feel a rage I won't deny it
I won't fear love.
He could hear the orders for food the second he walked in the door. Smiling, he walked over to the table and ordered a coffee as he watched everyone shovel food into their mouths. It was strange, but the company of this ill-mannered group was exactly what he needed right now.
"You're smiling Zelgadiss-san," Xellos said from beside him. "Are you all right?"
Looking at the cheerful mazoku Zelgadiss just smiled a little more. "Yes Xellos, I'm better than I have been in a long time."
Xellos looked at him, confused for a second and then smiled back, "I see."
Without another word they both turned their gaze back to their friends and watched the dinner battles with quiet amusement.
I won't fear love.