(A bare black emptiness streches before your eyes. Onto this sparten stage walketh Lina Inverse. But not the Lina Inverse we all know...)
LINA: Konban wa!! Lina-chan desu!!
(She makes a show of settling down into a comfortable position, chin on her hands)
LINA: I bet you were expecting my other self to host this segment, ne? Well, you got jipped. I'm the Lina Inverse from the alternate reality of.....
(A noise offstage. Lina tenses, then relaxes. Out of the gloom pops Xelas Metallium, otherwise known as the Beastmaster)
XELAS: Hey, Lina-chan!!
LINA: What is it?? Didn't I tell everybody to stay out of my segment?? Key word being MINE??
XELAS: Yeah.
(She thrusts Miyu-chan at Lina)
XELAS: I think the baby wants to be fed.
(She vanishes. Lina looks at Miyu and freaks out)
LINA: NOT HERE!! OF ALL PLACES, NOT HERE!!!
(Miyu looks confused, then her chin begins to tremble. Lina freaks out again, then with a beet-red face, grabs Miyu and turns around, fumbling with her clothes. After Miyu is settled, Lina turns to speak over her shoulder, her face still deep red)
LINA: Ahhahaa ^_^;;;, anyways, you're probably wondering why I'm here talking right now. Well, apparently the Author wants some stuff discussed, so I was the lucky one to get the job.
(Miyu finishes. Lina resettles her clothing and turns back around, propping the baby in her lap. Miyu drools.)
MIYU: Ma!! Ma!!!
LINA: Not now!!!
(She turns to call offstage)
LINA: Hey Xelas!!! Get back here and take Miyu!!!!!
(Scene change: Xelas is sprawled across an enormous four-poster bed with a glass of something deep red clutched in her hands. She is staring dreamily at a large poster of Lei Magnus-Shaburanigdu)
XELAS: I'mmmmmmmmmmmm buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuusyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy......
LINA: Damnit!!! Oh, well, I KNEW this wasn't going to go the way I had planned. You see, getting back to business, we've been watching my poor counterpart struggle through "Elsewhere" while everyone else goes nuts. What do you mean, HOW do we know what's going on in "Elsewhere"?? Well, to borrow a certain phase from a certain person, that is a ......
(While her mother has been talking, Miyu has been staring rather fixedly at a certain spot in midair. Now she stretches her tiny hand and points at a spot near where she's been watching)
MIYU: DA!! Da!!!!! Da!!!!
LINA: Yes, I know that's what your papa says but he's off somewhere else as usual. (mutters) Bastard.....
(Miyu ignores this and continues to point, becoming agitated)
MIYU: DAAAAAAAA!! DA!!!!!!!!!!
LINA: WHAT is your problem???? Daddy's not here right now! He left yesterday!! Don't you remember??
(Suddenly her expression changes, and she too becomes transfixed, looking at the spot where Miyu is pointing)
LINA: DAMNIT!!! XELLOSS!!!!! I know you're there!!!!!!!!! Come out before I get a knife and cas.......
(Lo and behold, Xelloss appears, wearing a rather sheepish expression)
XELLOSS: Yaaa!!!! ^_^ I should have known that neither my Lina or my Miyu would miss me for long....
LINA: Get down here!!
(He floats down to their level and Miyu bounces happily in Lina's arms)
MIYU: Daaaaaa!!!
XELLOSS: That's my girl!!
(Miyu stretches her arms out, indicating she wants to be picked up. Xelloss obliges and she happily glomps him, burying her tiny head in the crook of his neck)
LINA: (mutters) Dunno why she likes him so much......
XELLOSS: Because she's a Daddy's girl!! Aren't you, my little plum blossom??
LINA: (sourly) She just likes you because she knows you bring her back stuff from your trips. At this moment, she's probably secretly analyzing you for gifts.
XELLOSS: Oh, come now Lina-chan. She's just a baby.
LINA: She's YOUR baby. Enough said.
(Xel sits cross-legged next to Lina. Miyu has apparently gone to sleep in his arms)
XELLOSS: Ne, Lina-chan, what exactly are you supposed to be doing here..??
LINA: Acting mysterious and dropping hints.
XELLOSS: Ahh. Then why didn't the author ask me to do this?
(Lina swells up to a terrifying size and turns bright red all other. Xelloss cringes)
LINA: BECAUSE, you lousy sneaky secret-keeping bastard, you BRIBED HER!! ADMIT IT!! I KNOW YOU'RE HER FAVORITE!!!
XELLOSS: (smirking a bit) Well, perhaps there was some compensation involved.....
(Lina slam-dunks him into the floor. By some miracle, Miyu escapes her mother's wrath. Lina picks her up and turns away)
XELLOSS: (coughs weakly from a sizable hole in the floor) Perhaps we could get on with it..??
LINA: Whatever. Anyway, as I've tried to explain before, the world of "Revelations"-me, Xelloss and baby...is an "alternate reality" of the world in "Elsewhere"
XELLOSS: Meaning??
LINA: (triumphantly) HA!! I actually know something he doesn't for once!! (Xelloss gives her a LOOK, and Lina gets back to business) Meaning that the Slayers world split off into two different realities after we defeated Dark Star-one where the events in "Elsewhere" happened..ie. you, me and the Astral Plane, and one where they didn't. That world-where those events didn't happen-became the world of "Revelations". Our world.
XELLOSS: I see.....So, does that mean you and I might not end up together in the world of "Elsewhere"??
LINA: (shrugs) I doubt it. The Author has a VERY strong you/me bias after all.
XELLOSS: True.
LINA: I kinda feel sorry for my counterpart, trapped all alone in the Astral Plane with you and no magic to help her out.....
XELLOSS: But keep in mind that if we don't get together, Miyu will never be born.
LINA: Yeah, I guess.....
(She looks down at Miyu, who is now awake and looking solemnly up at her mother)
MIYU: Me.
(Lina strokes her head as Miyu begins to mutter to herself)
LINA: Well, the Author also wants everyone to know that Episode 10, "Ruminations, aka The Calm Before the Storm" is exactly that!! After episode 10, no more "filler" episodes will be written. Hopefully anyway. The action's gonna pick right up and keep on going.
XELLOSS: (clears his throat delicately) How many episodes are going to be in this thing anyway??
LINA: Supposedly 26, just like the TV series. It might end up being a bit longer then that though. There's a LOT of stuff that needs to happen and a major character that still needs to be introduced.
XELLOSS: Ah yes, the lovely E.....
(Lina jumps him and seals his mouth with her hand)
LINA: NO SPOILERS!! Just because we know everything that's gonna happen doesn't mean the readers want to know!!
XELLOSS: (sullen) Well, if this is going to be 26 episodes, why didn't the Author write this "Intermission" after episode 13??? It is the halfway point after all.
LINA: Because the Author has triskaidekaphobia.
XELLOSS: And a surprising number of megalomaniacal tendencies for one so young.
VOICE OF XELAS METALLIUM FROM OFFSTAGE: And now that she's legal, she can buy me more cigarettes without fear of being arrested!!
LINA: (suspicious) What do you mean, "buy you more cigarettes"?? Why has she been buying them in the first place?? I thought she was allergic.
XELAS: Silly girl, how do you think she got me to appear in the first place??
LINA: (mutters) I give up.....
XELLOSS: Ne, Lina-chan, anything else??
LINA: Yeah. She says "All that is hidden will eventually be revealed." Whatever THAT means. And also that there's going to be a big showdown very soon and a surprising rescue will be made by a person no one will expect.
XELLOSS: Really?? Does it have anything to do with that...(sees Lina glaring at him over Miyu's head) "incident"?
LINA: Yes.
XELLOSS: Well, well. Wonders never cease.
LINA: The only reason that person's appearing is because the Author feels sorry for them and thinks there's a lot more to that story then was ever revealed.
(Xelloss makes a cutely puzzled face)
LINA: It makes perfect sense to me. You just have to think about it.
(Xelloss thinks)
LINA: And the Author wants to let all the readers know that a brand new story called "Suspicion" will be up soon, starring US!! Xelloss finally allows Lina-chan to come with him on one of his missions...and she runs into someone from the past.
XELLOSS: Considering how distant "our" past is, this person must be very old....
LINA: Or a....(shuts her mouth just in time) Never mind. You'll see. And this story will be the strangest yet!! Because Xel-chan is going to spending most of the story as a..!!
XELLOSS: (covers Lina's mouth with his hand) Practice what you preach, love.
(Lina makes an angry, muffled noise)
XELLOSS: Despite that factor, I like this story a lot!!
LINA: Hentai.
XELLOSS: (sidles up to Lina and begins to rub her shoulder) Why?? Just because we seem to spend quite a bit of the scenes doing what all normal, hot-blooded young people do..??
LINA:(smacks him, her face turning red) I wish she hadn't written it that way!! It just encourages you when she does that. And neither of us is young, so you can forget that excuse.
XELLOSS: We look good though.
LINA: Damn straight.
MIYU: Ma??
LINA: (kisses both of Miyu's chubby cheeks) Yes baby, we're almost done.
XELLOSS: I have another question.
LINA: What?
XELLOSS: (He gives Lina a sidelong look, eyes open) Will the Author ever decide to disclose the reason you killed me so long ago??
LINA: (Lina looks nervous and mumbles) She said maybe in "Suspicion"...
XELLOSS: (He raises an eyebrow) Good. I was hoping she wouldn't neglect an explaination, as it's a rather important matter.
LINA: (clearly trying to get off the subject) Ano..anything else??
XELLOSS: I have one more question.
LINA: Which is??
XELLOSS: Will your sister be making an appearence, either here or in "Elsewhere"??
LINA: Neee...neeechan??? HERE??
VOICE OF LUNA INVERSE FROM OFFSTAGE: Wait and see.
LINA: ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!!
(She runs offstage with Miyu, still screaming)
XELLOSS: My word. After all this time......
(A rustle from the side draws his attention. The Author steps in, dressed like a waitress. She removes her violet wig as Xelloss watches with an amused grin)
XELLOSS: Wasn't that a tad cruel??
CRYSTAVIEL: Maybe.
XELLOSS: WILL Luna-sama be appearing after all then??
(As Crystaviel prepares to answer, the REAL Luna Inverse steps in, but manages to remain hidden in the shadows)
LUNA: (tapping a mace not unlike Filia's in her hand) Is this enough of an appearence to satisfy you people??
XELLOSS&CRYSTAVIEL:ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!
(They run away screaming)
LUNA: Hmph.
(Xelas Metallium steps in, a stopwatch clutched in her hand)
XELAS: I'm proud of you, Luna-chan. You went from zero to reaction in under 60 seconds!!
LUNA: It's a new record then??
XELAS: Yup!!!!!
LUNA: Alright then. (She smiles, a smile not unlike Xelloss's)
XELAS: (holding out her hands) Shall we dance then??
LUNA: Let's.
(They begin to dance a wildly ungraceful polka, accompanied by SD Shaburangidu on accordian and SD Ceiphied on tamborine. They continue to swing each other around crazily, laughing in a rather insane way as the scene fades to black)