Oookay who hasn't heard the song Reflection from Mulan? looks around Well, this is my first songfic (maybe my last) and it uses the pop version, not the version sung during the movie.
Look at me
"Ne, Gourry," Lina asked, looking at her travel companion across the crackling campfire. The four of them were on their way to a one year anniversary with Filia. "What do you see when you look at me?"
You may think you see who I really am
Gourry looked blankly at her. "What do I see? You mean your small chest - GACK!"
Gourry fell over backward, the piece of wood Lina had thrown at him implanted in his face.
Lina glared at his unconscious body. He didn't understand at all.
But you'll never know me
But what if he was right, in that lamebrain way of his. Was that all everyone saw? A short small-chested girl with a big mouth and an even bigger temper who destroys kingdoms on a whim?
Ev'ry day
"Rise and shine everyone!" Lina grinned brightly to the collective groans of her companions. Gourry had never been much of a morning person and Amelia never slept well on the road. Then of course there was Zel, who was grumpiness personified.
It's as if I play a part
She kept up the act. The act she had created years ago when she left Zefilia, determined to not be scared by her intimidating older sister anymore. To be known as someone other than Luna's little sister.
Now I see
But after how many years? Was it already over six? Nothing seemed to have changed. She was still scared of her sister. Everything Lina had done only earned her names. She wasn't called Luna's little sister. But she wasn't known as Lina either.
If I wear a mask I can fool the world
Bandit-Killer. Enemy of All who Live. Dra-mata. Lina had worked hard, harder than anyone could imagine to make a name for herself, even such disreputable names as she was often called by.
But I cannot fool my heart
Initially, she had been happy to be known and feared. She was now in her older sister's place.
But the thrill of it faded quickly. To be feared created a wall between her and others. To be known closed any chance of people getting to know her beyond what she was called.
Who is that girl I see
When they arrived in town, Lina laughed and joked around, hitting Gourry for his inane comments. But it didn't escape her how people always moved away from her. How they whispered to each other and pointed at her. How little catches of "chaos and destruction poster child" and "she leaves destruction in her wake" floated through the air.
Staring straight back at me?
Brushing her long red hair, Lina looked at her reflection in the mirror. She hadn't changed, other than her clothes, over the past six years. Of course, she's only traveled with her current companions for little over half that time and someone else in the time before that. If those four ever met, she'd have some explaining to do.
She put down the brush. And then parted the silky strands into three and braided them. When finished, she looked at herself again. Now she looked more like she did before she entered the big nasty world. Before she grabbed the wrong attention of the Mazoku with her wild acts of trying to find herself.
When will my reflection show
Lina looked sadly at her reflection. It didn't match who she pretended to be now. But perhaps, just for tonight, she'd leave the braid. Just for tonight, she could leave the mask, the act behind.
Who I am inside?
As Lina lay down to sleep, her fingers kept tracing the thick smooth braid. The other self, her other self, that she had kept locked away ever since she left Zefilia. Luna's quiet, studious little sister who didn't cause any trouble.
Well, that shower incident had been an accident. And it wasn't as if anyone remembered after Luna wiped the town's memory of the incident.
I am now
But as long as she adventured, it was Lina Inverse, Bandit Killer and the genius beautiful sorceress, who appeared. Lina Inverse who only cared about treasure, money, and magic. Lina Inverse who only cared and thought about herself.
In a world where I have to hide my heart
"Oh, Zelgadiss-san!!" Amelia gushed.
Lina ignored the younger girl but was at the same time jealous of her. Had she ever been that way? Not the crazy over a guy part but so free and open with her emotions? So confident in her beliefs and ideals that nothing could sway her?
And what I believe in
Sure, Lina could blow away mountains with a Dragu Slabu, call upon the power of the Lord of Lords, the Golden-Eyed One, but for all her magic did she have anything she sincerely believed in? Did she have something to live for?
But somehow
The Lina Inverse the world knew was created by the Lina Inverse trying to get out of her older sister's shadow. But even that mask was still chilled by Luna's long shadow.
I will show the world
Perhaps, if she dropped the act, and just let herself be herself...
What's inside my heart
Maybe then...people will see Lina Inverse...
And be loved for who I am
Not the Bandit Killer, not the Enemy of All who Live, not Dra-mata, but just Lina.
Who is that girl I see
Lina sighed quietly, looking at her rippling reflection in the hot spring that Filia had lead them to. Amelia had definitely grown over the last four years. Filia had also quieted down as she raised Baby Val.
Only Lina remained the same.
Staring back straight at me?
Same red hair, same red eyes. She would have to leave soon. Everyone might become suspicious as to why she didn't age.
Why is my reflection someone I don't know?
But if she didn't change, didn't age, then why didn't she know the person reflected in the water? Reflected in the mirror? Reflected in the eyes of other people? Reflected in the eyes of her companions, the people who should have known her best?
Must I pretend that I'm
"Lina-san?" Amelia protruded into Lina's thoughts. "Are you alright?"
"Huh? Wha-Oh yes, I'm perfectly fine, Amelia," Lina lied, her big smile back in place. "I've just been sitting here too long. Plus I'm not too interested in all that baby stuff you and Filia are talking about. I think I'll just go back to my room and go over those old books I got from that bandit raid this morning."
Lina got out of the hot spring, too concerned with keeping up the act to notice the worried glances Amelia and Filia exchanged.
Someone else for all time?
It was a perfectly plausible excuse for "her". After all, they all knew Lina Inverse was a maniac for anything magical for power. Of course, the other Lina also loved to study magic but for interest.
Lina hoped Amelia and Filia hadn't noticed anything.
When will my reflection show
She could feel the slight headache coming again as it always did when she thought too much about herself. The stress of being "Lina Inverse" was getting to her.
Who I am inside?
Perhaps, at the end of this little diversion, she would leave. She needed a break. She needed to be herself again. She needed to see herself in the mirror.
There's a heart that must be free to fly
"What?!?" said five collective voices and one baby gurgle.
"You heard me the first time," Lina grinned, hiding the unexpected burning in her eyes. They weren't making this parting any easier. "I've just decided to go off again on my own."
"But Lina-san why?" wailed Amelia, wrapping the redhead in a bear hug.
Lina patted Amelia on the head and noticed that the princess was as tall as her now. Well, that was one reason to get moving along.
"Look, it's been fun and all, it's been a great four years but it has been four years. We all need to get on with our lives. Besides, a separation will do us good. You know, see new places, meet new people, the whole shebang."
Lina noticed the strange looks she was getting from Zel and Xelloss. Of everyone, they'd be the only ones who might get an inkling that she wasn't being completely upfront with them all.
"And Gourry, when I mean I'm going off alone, I mean ALONE." Lina leveled a look at him and prayed it would get through his dense head.
"But..." the dumb blond started to protest with his usual spiel about being her bodyguard.
"I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself you know," Lina smiled ferally, letting a fireball briefly appear in her hand before dispelling it. "Besides, there's a certain priestess pining away for you in Saillune."
That burns with a need to know the reason why
That leavetaking had been very painful, more painful that she let any of them know. Well, Xelloss might have known. After all Mazoku fed off such emotions and she must have been radiating a year's worth when she left.
She couldn't tell any of them why she wanted to leave. Lina had to leave them for her sanity. She couldn't be the Lina Inverse they knew for very much longer.
Why must we all conceal
The act would continue just for awhile longer. She would go her own way, do the things Lina Inverse was expected to do, just to convince Xelloss who she was sure would follow her for awhile, that she was doing what she said she would.
What we think
In fact, for the next several months, Lina went rather overboard. She became known as Bandit's Bane. Bandits had become a dead profession. So blowing up bandit holes and the bandits in them had become a habit. She didn't want to think about what everyone else was doing.
How we feel?
She couldn't let herself feel. No, Lina Inverse had made the choice to go on her own. She wouldn't feel regret. She wouldn't feel pain. She wouldn't feel alone.
Must there be a secret me
Terrific, Lina thought, sitting before a crackling campfire under the starry night sky. I left Zefilia and created Bandit Killer Lina Inverse to hide Luna's little sister Lina. Now after leaving everyone, I've created Bandit's Bane Lina Inverse to hide the pain that Bandit Killer Lina feels.
How many more "me"'s will I have to make?
I'm forced to hide?
Lina settled into her bedroll and watched the dying embers of the fire. The protective circle around the camp would keep her safe. She could feel the tears welling up her eyes.
Damn it, not now. Just wait a few more days...until she returned to Zefilia.
I won't pretend that I'm
Bandit's Bane. Bandit Killer. Enemy of All who Live. Dra-mata.
No, once Lina stepped into Zefilia, she would shed those like a snake sheds its skin. She could stop pretending and be herself again.
Someone else
She would be able to look into the mirror, the water, the eyes, and see herself reflected in them.
For all time
Lina would find herself, her center. The Lina that she could live with for all time. And then maybe, maybe she'll go back out. Back out into the world to see what it could do against the real Lina.
When will my reflection show
Lina looked at the mirror, seated at her dresser in her room in the Inverse manor. She picked up the gilded frame picture taken over a century ago. It was of a small girl of perhaps six years playing in a flower garden.
Who I am inside?
Lina would start over from the beginning. She would find out who she was by starting at her roots. By forcing herself to look over the many years of memories, she would find the Lina buried deep inside of her.
When will my reflection show
Perhaps it would take several months, maybe several years, to travel the path of memories. But time meant nothing to her. All that mattered was that at the end, hopefully...
Who I am inside?
She could look in the mirror and see herself.