"Say 'Ah'," Lina chirped, holding out a piece of fried squid in her chopsticks to Zelgadiss. She had woken up four hours earlier this morning for the express purpose of making lunch for him. Not that she had ever tried before but when she puts her mind to it, nothing is impossible for Lina Inverse!!!
Zelgadiss sweatdropped, watching the telltale far off look in Lina's eyes that meant she had gone on some mental ego trip. When she came to school this morning, acting completely normal, he was sure that the potion's effects had worn off.
However, her current behavior, minus the ego trip, indicated otherwise. Lina had never offered him any of her lunch before, she was more likely to steal his, and she definitely never made him lunch. Well, considering that she did pass Domestic Skills, she probably had passable cooking skills [i.e., the food won't send you to the hospital to get your stomach pumped and to have antitoxin injected into your system while you hover at death's door letting in the cold].
Which was completely beside the point.
The potion was still working and Lina was still under the potion-induced delusion that she was in love with a freak of both nature and the paranormal. Bad enough to know he wasn't going to have a normal high school life, or as his father put it, the best flowering and seeding years of a young man's life. Now he had to suffer under an affection that wasn't even real. His uncle and great-grandfather were soooo going to die for this.
Elsewhere, Kitzero and Rezo sneezed violently.
"Maybe we're catching colds? Hey, I'm back in my original body! Interesting. Sneezing seems to have reversed that spirit-switching potion's effects."
"Damn, blind again."
It had taken two hours of convincing yesterday to get Lina to go to her home as opposed to staying over at his place. Valgaav hovering over his shoulder that entire time with a look to level a mountain was all the persuasion Zel needed, if he needed any, to keep some distance between himself and this suddenly affectionate Lina.
Which actually, wasn't as bad as he had feared, the ffection, even though he knew it was all artificially created. He had thought that now she would begin acting like his rabid fan club, all of whom were out sick due to system shock at Lina's sudden change(?) in behavior. But Lina wasn't clinging to his arm and word every second of the day, she wasn't spouting romantic nonsense, she wasn't being demanding, well, up until now that is.
"Ne, Zel. You're going to eat ALL of this. You aren't going to let the hard efforts of a cute, fragile, sensitive girl go to waste right?" Lina pouted, immediately bringing Valgaav to her defense at Zelgadiss's inadvertent slight.
"That's right! If you really cared about her, you'd eat this all without complaint. Here, I'll eat it for you, Lina."
"Who asked you?!" Lina yelled, driving in her point by dropping a large statue of a tanuki (it kind of looks like a raccoon and apparently, it's only purpose is for dropping on the heads of people who annoy you) on Valgaav's head before he got a chance to lay one of his dirty fingers on Zelgadiss's lunch. "It's creepy how you're always looking at me."
"You sit right in front of me. What else am I supposed to look at?" a half-smooshed Valgaav automatically retorted, not realizing the dangerous double meaning in his words until his sentence had been passed.
"Now you're saying that I'm not worth looking at?!?!"
Another tanuki statue joined its friend on Valgaav's head. I wonder where Lina is pulling all of these statues from...
"You're going to make Zel think I'm flirting with other guys and he can get very scary if you make him mad or jealous. Ne, Zel, let's go somewhere else where we won't be bothered by -- "
Lina looked around.
"Zel?"
Some helpful classmates, who didn't quite know what was going on between those two right now but knew better than to draw Lina's wrath on to themselves (especially given the recent tanuki statue attacks), pointed helpfully to the open classroom door. Zelgadiss had escaped.
"I'm going to put an end to this farce," Zelgadiss grumbled, promising dire torture to his two relatives who were currently sneezing constantly because he didn't stop thinking negative thoughts about them. "The only good thing that's come out of this so far is knowing Xelloss is suffering."
"And here I thought you cared about me," tickled the voice right in Zel's ear.
He almost screamed, perhaps even a high-pitched, girly scream, if a hand hadn't clamped across his mouth.
"Shhhh. You don't want to give away our hiding place now do you?"
Zelgadiss managed to nod calmly, a knack he had for keeping a lid on his emotions until they boiled over into a huge explosion. An unhealthy ability true but one that endears him to us all, especially the angst lovers.
As much as Zel would love to pummel the other person into oblivion, there were more pressing concerns. Such as not letting anyone know that they were hiding in the school's janitorial closet.
"There, all better. See how painless everything is if we just get along?" Xelloss smiled, rolling back on his heels as he let go of Zel's mouth. With a click, the single light bulb on the ceiling turned on, illuminating the rather spacious closet with enough room for the pool table situated in the center. "But I never thought I'd live the day to see you resort to hiding in the time-cherished broom closet to get away from your girlfriend."
"She is NOT my -- "
"SHHHH!!!" Xelloss loudly and quickly shushed. The nearly desperate look on his face was comical. "She'll hear you! She has much better hearing than you'd expect."
"Who? Your wife?" Zel asked sarcastically. "What's wrong with everyone knowing you're married? Let me guess, you're whipped aren't you?"
"I am NOT!"
"Suuuure you aren't. You sound pretty scared to me," Zel grinned evilly, meaning to get as much enjoyment as he could at Xelloss' expense. After all, who knew when this kind of opportunity would present itself again? "I'm surprised you were even able to dredge up enough nerve to send ***** abroad. Didn't want my dear cousin going to the same school as her dear old Dad."
Plastic arrows impaled themselves on Xelloss' head and torso, some even going all the way through. Lina was right you know, Zel can be very mean when he sets his mind to it. Good thing none of us are the current recipient of his attention ne?
"Ahhh, children these days have no respect for their elders," Xelloss wailed, putting to good use the crocodile tears that he somehow managed to swipe from the drama club. "Beating up overly stressed and fatigued relatives who only have their best interests in mind."
"I'll show you what I have in mind -- "
CRASH
The door to the spacious closet suddenly fell with a loud thud, knocked completely off of its hinges. The 'crash' was due to the sound effects guy dropping a glass of soda when he realized he was supposed to be working and had not hands immediately free.
"Only my 'best' interests in mind huh?"
Xelloss almost froze at the sound of the voice.
Zelgadiss simply took a few steps back to get of the targeting range so he could watch the fun. The timing couldn't have been better than if he had planned, which he hadn't. Filia must have brought his cousin back for some nice, stereotype family get-together.
It was going to be a get-together.
Zelgadiss knew though that it wasn't going to be 'nice' though.
"Iyaa, Yllia-chan. You've grown so much since I've seen you last," Xelloss grinned widely, recovering quickly from his momentary surprise (the poor dear has had too much shocks to his system lately) and bounded up to give his long-absent daughter a hug.
Yllia, Xelloss's and Filia's daughter, who was the same age as Zelgadiss, endured the mollification attempt for all of two seconds. Which indicated to Zelgadiss that she did miss her father, all actions and words to the contrary.
"The last time you saw me was at the city borders, waving good-bye to me with a handkerchief as I was being hauled away to some god-forsaken convent EIGHT years ago!!!"
Much stronger than she looks, Yllia hurled her father over her shoulder and into the hallway where there collected a crowd of idle students, the perfect landing cushion.
"I didn't know they taught that at a convent," Zel whistled.
"How else to handle drunk and sober louts who think that a nun is an easy lay?" she snorted, ignoring Zelgadiss's raised eyebrow at her coarser language. (It had been suitably 'cleaned' for a more or less general audience.) He was really beginning to wonder what she had been doing at the convent. Yllia pointed at him. "What happened to you?"
"My grandfather and a cursed gift."
"That's why you always check for 'surprises'. Take me for example. Every single present I've received during the last ten years has been triple checked for curses, mechanical tricks, and chemical whatnot before I even think about opening it."
"That's because Xelloss gave you an exploding package for your sixth birthday," Zel pointed out. He was thankful that Xelloss never had the gall to pull that kind of trick on him. His mother would roast Xelloss on a stick over hell's fire. Filia hadn't been too amused by the gift either. "So what are you doing back?"
"I received a letter from my mom about getting the family all together again and I knew something had to be up. And when I got back in town, she was grocery shopping to prepare a big hearty meal for Dad. When she starts acting like a housewife, I'd say there is real cause to be worried."
Zelgadiss chuckled. "Oh, that's because of one of the Dysfunctional Duo's potions. Somehow, they've got someone distributing them around the school causing all sorts of problems. Well, more problems than usual at least."
He had the nagging sensation that he was forgetting something. His gaze fell on the wall clock. Well, lunch was almost over. He'd better get back to class.
"Are you planning on staying around, Yllia?" he asked as he walked with her back to class. "I'm sure my mom can get you in. And it would be great having someone around to keep Xelloss in line."
"Well, I'm certainly not going back to that convent!" The purple-haired girl shivered, red eyes narrowed in distaste at the unpleasant memory. "This place looks to be a lot more fun."
"Zel!! Just where have you been???"
Oh yeah. That was what he forgot.
A pair of red eyes, not his cousin's, looked up at him, annoyance and vexation reflecting quite clearly. If you looked closely enough, you might even find a few Fireballs and Fire Arrows. Lina stood before him, hands on hips, one foot tapping, lips set primly.
"Lunch is almost over and you still haven't eaten one bite of my lunch!" Lina seethed, both at the 'delinquency' of her 'boyfriend' but also at the slim girl standing next to him. Just who the hell was she?!! "Mind introducing me to your 'friend'?"
Acid was practically dripping from Lina's question.
"This is my 'cousin', Yllia." Zel watched Lina's hackles lower a bit. Okay, so Xelloss wasn't really his uncle but it was close enough. Now if he could only distract her for a few more minutes before the bell rang... "She's Xelloss's daughter."
"Unfortunately," Lina and Yllia chimed at the same time. They exchanged looks of surprise, then acceptance, and then conspiracy. Zelgadiss was beginning to feel nervous. Though he did like having Yllia around for the persecution of Xelloss, she was equally likely to turn those attentions on to someone else (like himself) when Xelloss wasn't around.
"So, you say dear Zel didn't eat the lunch you made for him?" Yllia asked sweetly.
Zelgadiss began edging away but his cousin's grip on his arm was rock solid. (Was that a pun? Bleah.)
"He just won't sit still," Lina replied in the same tone. "I try to feed him but he keeps moving."
"Now, now, cousin, that's no way to treat a girl," Yllia mocked scolded, forcefully steering Zel into the classroom and into a seat. Strange how she could have the strength to do that but she was Xelloss's and Filia's daughter. "It's a good thing I came back to straighten you out."
"I thought you were here to straighten Xelloss out," Zel muttered under his breath, now silently cursing Yllia's return. What was he supposed to do against two girls?
"Now say 'Ah', Zel," Lina chirped, once again holding out that piece of fried squid with a smiling face on it for him to eat.