(Xelloss is bustling about with drinks on a tray, humming and bumping along to the piped-in music. The song is "But! But! But!")
Zelgadis: *watching him* Na, this definitely says something about traditional gender roles, dontcha think? That women, or in this case certain men in a women's outfits, are subjected to the role of servants ...
X: *sets down a cup of coffee in front of Zel, a chocolate parfait for Gourry* It's just a dress, Zelgadis! *poses gratuitously to show off his slim hips and tight skirt*
Zel: Great. *takes a sip* Suddenly this story smells like yaoi.
X: *slips into the booth next to Gourry* Ne, Gourry! I'm bored! *suddenly flings himself into Gourry's arms*
Zel: *snide* No tricks to play for once? And here I thought the plot would turn to "Why is this cafe being run by mazoku?"
X: It's just a part-time job, Zel-chan. *proceeds to ignore Zel, pulls at Gourry's armor straps so that they're face to face, he opens his eyes to great effect, a very hungry look*
Gourry: *intimidated* Eh, bored? What do you want me to do about, Xelloss?
X: You could - *gasps dramatically* - take me right here, right now! *pulls harder on said straps*
(Xelloss climbs up on table, reaches out to sweep aside the dishes and silverware off the table onto the floor.)
Gou: Take you - ???
X: I'm all yours!
Gou: *gulps hard and nervously*
Zel: *puts down his coffee, sighing* Nope, no tricks except in the euphemistic sense ...
X: *shaking still* Gourry!!
Zel: *casually fireballs, but X avoids and Gourry unfortunately gets caught in the flames*
X: Waaah! I want a big blond seme!!
Zel: Oy, what's so special about taking a blond?
X: All the blonds I know are very powerful, very sexy people. *settles down on the table again* So to speak. "People" is a term not well-suited to Lei Magnus-sama or LoN-sama ...
Zel: You know them?
(Zel is amazed; Shabranigdo and Lord of Nightmares are figures of legend, after all.)
X: *winks* "Know," in the Biblical sense!
Zel: Hah? Is that anything like a Clair-Bible?
Gou: *recovering, still burnt* Hey, I know what that means ...
Zel: You do? The Biblical-whatsit, really?
X: Somehow I doubt that.
Gou: "Know," as in "have sex with."
X: *genuinely surprised* Well, I'll be damned.
Zel: *snide again* It won't be the first time.
X: But he has got it! Although, it's puzzling. The Bible doesn't exist in Ruby Eye-sama's world ...
Zel: *quirks an eyebrow* So how do you know about it, Xelloss?
X: *ignoring him, wheedling* Ne, Gourry - !! *dusts him off, cuddles him again* Let's get to know each other!
Zel: Again with the Bible.
X: It's only fair, after all. We're both after the same girl.
Gou: SAME GIRL??
Zel: He means Lina, stupid.
X: And so it makes sense, doesn't it, that we battle to see who can best satisfy her?
Zel: By satisfying each other - ?
Gou: Lina - ??
Zel: Truly twisted. *noting Gourry's expression* He looks like he's about to gag.
Gou: *sweating* Lina's too young! I won't allow it!
X: Oh, what's a little statuatory rape between true loves? *correcting himself* IF you're true loves, that is...
Gou: Well, I gotta admit that Lina's old enough to get married...
X: *smug* See?
Gou: But aren't you a bit old for her?
Zel: *chuckling* Vastly old. At least a thousand years - !! *chortles into his cup, which he rescued before Xelloss could sweep it away*
X: Please, leave me alone. In any case, right now it's Gourry that I want. Not Lina.
Zel: Xelloss, I have a question for you. Why are you acting like such a- *with his hand, a wandering gesture as if looking for a word ...*
X: *suggestively* Bite me.
Zel: I mean, what is it? Are you in heat or something?
X: *very coolly* You say that like you're NOT a closet hentai ...
Zel: *choking* Giku - !
X: ... which I KNOW you to be.
Zel: *blushing* Well, you're the one who likes it in the closet!!
Gou: *puzzled at the implications of this exchange* Eh?
X: I can embarrass you, too!
Zel: You're doing it first by going all flirty all of a sudden!
X: A little flirting doesn't mean anything.
Zel: But you don't have any shame!
X: *matter-of-factly* Of course not.
Zel: Gourry doesn't even like other men, haven't you seen episode #17 of the first season? "Question! Ano ko ni PROPOSE?" aka "Question! He's Proposing to That Girl?"?
X: You're not going to get the edge in this conversation just because you can break the Ibsen's Fourth Wall like that.
Gou: *wide-eyed* Oy, who said I don't like guys?
(Xelloss and Zelgadis pause together. Did they just mishear something..?)
{(Simulatenously)
{Zel: Say what?
{X: What did you say?
Gou: I never said I don't like guys.
X: *pouts* Aww, I was wasting my time flirting with you then...
Zel: *slanted Look at Xelloss, askance* ...
X: It's more fun to tease when the prey is unwilling. *winks at him*
Zel: *whirling upon Gourry* What's the meaning of this, huh? Was something wrong with N-san's tape? Did I see you running away from that Volun dude or didn't I?
Gou: Yeah, but I was running 'cos I didn't wanna marry him.
X: I see now! *pounds a fist into his open palm with a "pon" sound* In that situation if you did marry him, you would've been his "little lady." *nods to himself* Now I get it ... I take it for granted that you don't like posing as a woman.
Gou: What, unlike you? *smiles innocently, ducks a playful swing from Xelloss*
(Zelgadis looks down. If his face were visible, his expression would've been very dark.)
Zel: *quietly* ... Leading me to believe that you really didn't like guys ... Oh, Gourry, how could you deceive my heart like that - ?
X: *brightly mischievous* So, Gourry... If you really have no aversion to being with another man, tell us how far you've gotten!
Gou: *blushing* Well, I guess I slept with a few...
X: !!
(Zelgadis goes off like fireworks, then dissolves into the background and stays there for the next few lines.)
X: Gourry, do go on! What were their names? What were they like? ... What was "it" like?? *grinning expectantly*
Gou: *suddenly nervous and shy* It's not like that at all! I can't say that I ever got to get a handle on who they are or anything!
X: *guessing* One night stands? Business propositions? *disbelief* You can't be serious.
(Zelgadis is fuming and stomping around: "Yada yada yada!!!")
X: Before I never knew you were into any kind of sex, and now I'm hearing you say it's been strictly anonymous ...
Gou: No, it's not that either! Lemme explain. A mercenary like me sometimes goes on a rough run, see. An occupation that takes weeks during a wet autumn or a harsh winter, sometimes he needs a warm body in his bed to relieve the stress, see.
X: I see.
Gou: *blushing lightly* I have to admit that I'm a bit keen on what I want ...
X: Boys, ne?
(Zel: I'm not hearing this!!)
Gou: *blushing further* Lotta other mercs are strictly into wenching. I've tried a few girls, don't see what's the big deal. What you get is dancers mostly, but what you wind up with is a girl who promises to be your little love pretzel, and how-much-ya-gonna-pay for how far she'll bend back, and I didn't want to get into that. Boys are nicer. If they're minstrels, even better. Just compliment their playing and they give you backrubs. *smiles fondly at a particular favorite memory)
X: *shakes his head in wonder* And here I thought you were so simple!
(Zel has mysteriously sneaked back into the foreground with them.)
X: *noticing the sulking chimera* Ne, Gourry! Remember how Zelgadis plays the guitar? Zel, go get your guitar and let's sing!
Zel: *reluctant* Eh.
Gou: *eyes brighten* Please, Zel?
Zel: *hesitates* .... *significant look at Xelloss*
X: *smiles* ^_^ ?
Zel: Only if you promise not to sing, I'll get it.
X: *pouts* ...
Zel: I mean, let's save that wailing for later when you get off work or something. *at Xelloss' smiling response, he goes off*
Gou: *to Xelloss, trying to be polite* Well, you have been known to cause violent gastral reactions when you sing.
X: Just please leave me alone... *spluttering* Wha- where did you learn those words??
Zel: *returns, carrying acoustic guitar* Back. *perches himself on the high-backed cushioned chair; he tunes* So what's the first song request?
X: Something enka !
Zel: *beans him with the guitar* If you sing, no nookie for you tonight!
Gou: How about "more than words"?
Zel: Okay ... *starts to pluck out the G-chord, sings*
o/~ "Saying 'I love you' is not the words
I wanna hear from you ...
It's not that I want you not to say it,
But if you only knew how easy - " o/~
Gou: No, not that one! Your "more than words"!
Zel: =P
Zel: *sings* o/~ "Suki datta hitori sora o miage..." o/~
((And so on, he goes uninterrupted... let'sgetonwiththis... Well, no. Zel doesn't go uninterrupted...))
Zel: *singing 2nd verse, more intense than the first!*
o/~ "Hiekitteita kono karada, kokoro goto atatamerareteku ...
Kitto dareka o taisetsu ni omou kimochi ka?" o/~
X: *bursts out laughing* >D
Zel: *surly* Now what's the matter.
X: *starts pounding the table, a mazoku's jocular conniption* And it was Gourry who picked the song, too! Is this a great cosmic joke against me? For once someone is playing a trick on me? *more hysterics, becoming tearful*
(Zel and Gourry exchange glances.)
Gou: I didn't do anything, I swear!
X: *starts stroking Gourry's golden hair* No, of course, you didn't. *glances pointedly at Zel, wipes away his own tears*
Gou: *concerned* Are you going to be okay, Xelloss?
X: Oh, I'll be fine.
Gou: You sure?
Zel: *clutching guitar, a gesture of introversion* If there's anything you need Gourry to do, he'll be right there.
(In fact, Zel is positioned a lot like a gunman on the grassy knoll...)
Gou: Exactly what I was going to say! *nodding, putting a reassuring hand on Xelloss' shoulder*
Zel: And if it comes down to giving Xelloss what he wanted earlier - ?
Gou: Erm, I guess even that. Sure! Why not?
X: If you said that a little less innocently, I would have believed you. *another sidelong glance at Zel; back to Gourry, a bright smile* Thanks for the offer, but there are no closets around this cafe that don't reek of cleaning fluids: 409, Simple Green, Mr. Clean, Mop n' Glo, et cetera. Et cetera.
Gou: *puzzled* What's this with closets?
X: You wouldn't believe.
Zel: Want us to explain?
X: No. Let's keep that a secret.
Zel: *peevish* You and your secrets. *slides off top of chair, down to the seat, puts the guitar aside with a clunk; the look he gives Xelloss is darkly playful*
X: Oh, yes. *smiles* If only my policy was not keeping them, the stories we could tell! *draws himself close to Zel; next line, his face meanders closer to Zel's with each pause...* Stories of exactly When, *pause* precisely Where *pause*, and, of course, What.. *their faces are very close!*
Gou: *impressed* Heh...
Zel: *discomfitted look - well, he has got Xelloss up in his face by now* Gourry, you DO know what he means, don't you? I mean we've practically outlined it for you.
Gou: *half-nods; his head bobs down, but doesn't rise out of reluctance to answer* ...
Zel: Why don't you try out your best response, and we'll tell you whether you've got it right or not?
Gou: Well, I might be mistaken no matter what I say. I usually am.
X: *sort of a taunting look* You've already managed to surprise us several times this evening... So go on.
(VIEW CHANGE!)
(Suddenly we're outside of the cafe looking in, following a figure swathed in darkness, but we see the flash of marble skin and a waterlogged short-cape as he approaches. He's watching our boys inside: we see Gourry has already given his answer because Zel has facefaulted and is now lying in Xelloss' lap. The damp figure enters the cafe now to this conversation ...)
Gou: *looking sheepish, rubbing the back of his head* I don't wanna say I told you so ...
Zel: *groaning* Why did I bother?
X: Lina-san would call you a "kurage" at this moment, were she here.
((kurage = jellyfish))
X: *sweatdrops* Ah, chotto. *recovering his mischievousness, smirks at Zel* If he *had* caught on, wouldn't you have liked it if we shared with him?
Gou: *looking very kurage* Eheh... *rubs the back of his head*
(Doorchime sounds...)
X: *leaping to his feet* Ack, a customer! *summoning his sing-song congeniality* Irasshaimase! Welcome to Akies!
Zel: *falling hard upon the floor as Xelloss lets him go* <(((_x))>
X: *falls silent* ....
Gou: *turns around* Eh? *sees* Hey, it's the horny guy...
Val: Yare-yare. When Xelloss has nothing to do, no agenda to fulfill, no secrets to tantalize anyone with - he gets to be like this . TRASH(!) in the most sexually deviant way possible. *steps closer* Cross-dressing. *closer* Flirting with men.
X: Nice to see you, too, Val! *runs excitedly towards Val, throwing his arms around Val's neck*
Val: *catching him* As usual your ass is so light, I could swear you float from bed to bed like the Tooth Fairy. *grabs Xelloss' rear, squeezing his cheeks in both hands as they greet each other with a kiss; they break* So Xelloss! Tell me how many times you've been tumbled since I last saw you, and I'll guess.
X: Hm, wasn't I with someone even as we parted last?
Val: *glaring* Remind me that you were pounding ass with the rock, why dontcha ...
Zel: You see, Gourry, most Ryuuzoku are very jealous, very territorial. *noticing the way Val is looking daggers at him over Xelloss' shoulder; still cool* Val Gaav, in particular, doesn't like sharing.
Gou: Eh ... Sharing what?
X: *over his shoulder* Why, the public toilet, of course! Who else?
Val: *blushing as he pushes Xelloss away* All right, lemme go. Yer making me sick.
X: *skips away, smoothing out his frilly apron*
Val: *critical of surroundings* Hmf. This ain't your "clean well-lighted place." Oh, the lighting is plenty okay. I actually have no problem with quaint little chandeliers and track lighting. They're rather charming, more so than modern Lightning-powered lamps ...
(He comes to the scattered table accoutrements and the fallen parfait.)
Val: But look at that mess on the floor! You'd think the help would jump to it, right on the spot. *crosses his arms* I wish I had that luxury of fooling around at every opportunity, ignoring any sense of responsibility to my station.
X: *humbly* Please pardon the mess. I'll clean it up right away... *looks up at him, sultry voice* Yarashii.
((Yarashii = disgusting or soiled; can alternatively refer to 'having dirty thoughts'))
Val: If you're really having a problem with that, then lemme help ya - ! *punts a "conveniently-placed" bucket of water so it slides over, bumping into and splashing up on Xelloss*
X: *puts up an annoyed hand as he backs away, then remarks a draft* What the - ? *looks down to his dress - at first just soggy with soapy water, but now it's * disintegrating * Melting? *in surprise, he slips upon a "conveniently-placed" sponge and falls to the floor* Oomf!
Zel: *covering Gourry's eyes* I think you don't need to see this, Gourry.
Val: *cringing at the sight, but also can't tear his eyes away* ..!
X: Aww, my outfit's ruined! *picks up a tatter, and out of curiosity, puts it to his lips* Hm ...
Zel: Xelloss, I'd almost think that dress could be made of the same stuff that we - ?
X: *agreeing* I knew it was too sweet to be believed when I first tried it on. Yes, it is a lot like the edible underpants.
Val: MAZOKU!!
(When they notice him, Val's thrown up his arm to cover his eyes as he yells.)
Val: WHERE'S YOUR FRICKIN' SENSE OF MODESTY??
X: *whispering to a sweatdropping Zel, and none-too-discreetly* A rhetorical question, obviously.
Val: GO GET YOUR TAWDRY LITTLE BUM COVERED UP, OR I'LL - , OR I'LL - !!
X: Ah, but I see now! *smiles innocently for the moment of having to meet Val's dagger-like glare*
Val: *predictably puts down his arm to glare at Xelloss, his eyes like flashing bits of forged Orihalcon* !!! *puts his arm up again*
X: But surely It was your intent to disrobe me, Val-chan. What kind of game is this? A Situation in which you corner me into denial to gain the moral highground, at which point you tie me up?
Val: *hissing dangerously* How dare you think that I - ! I mean, you don't - ! ..And this, or that - !
X: *tsk-tsks him* If you're done with being incoherent, perhaps we can commence shagging - ?
Zel: That's it, Gourry. We're outta here. *they don't get far*
Val: *finally seeing the direction of Xelloss' comments* Who'd wanna shag you, you NAMAGOMI MAZOKU!
X: *taken aback by the "trash" remark* ....
Val: Nah, you're far worse than trash, mazoku. In fact, you are a PUBLIC TOILET!!
X: *haltingly, with tears welling in his eyes* Surely you're not saying I'd let anyone use me, just because I want you to ...
(Val grabs a handful of nearby tablecloth and throws it at Xelloss, even clumsily winds it around Xelloss' body.)
Val: Honestly, you! Who's the one who called himself a public toilet first, huh??
(He freezes with his arm kinda around Xelloss when he feels the tiny wet spot of a tear falling to his arm. He looks at Xelloss' face again, and for the first time, their eyes meet - really meet.)
Val: Uh, Xelloss - ? *fierceness dissipates from his voice* Ya realize nobody'd wanna! I mean ... that is ...
X: *gathering tablecloth closer to himself* Zelgadis!
Zel: Giku - !
X: Of course, "Iku"! Let's go... *hauls Zel off in search of a closet*
((Several layers to the pun here. I know this is the lamest pun, but the vowel groups are similar enough that it works on the pixel level. Meanings: "giku" is rather like "uh-oh," but "iku" means "to come" - as in, the verb that describes going from one place to the other, as well as ... ya know. ^.^;))
(Well, that leaves Val and Gourry alone together.)
Val: *to Gourry* You realize this would be the perfect place for some exposition?
Gou: ..?
Nangke, Xelloss no Miko