Seiruun is usually a very nice town to live in.
This is, of course, assuming you are, 1) a sword master, 2) a sorcerer, 3) royalty, or 4) a humble stock character that never gets any attention (like a vegetable seller, say, or a kindly old spinstress). It also helps if you don't mind fighting off the forces of evil once every few weeks, and if you can keep up with the myriad fratricides in the monarchy while you do it, all the better.
The only time anyone, regardless of skills in self defensive fighting, should not be within those holy walls of Seiruun are the times it gets stuck in a pseudo dimension, somewhere between their universe and ours, a linked vortex of utter pointlessness and abject stupidity, when people and things transcend one world and leap to the next for no reason other than a cheap laugh and maybe, at the most, the crudest, lamest bit of the crudest, lamest version of satire. Luckily, this doesn't happen to our favorite holy city very often.
But as the deadline to the next millennium nears, this bizarre pseudo dimension grabs hold of those great white walls once again. No one inside the capitol is safe from this sophomoric prank of a fate, and the feeling of being swept from one reality to another, thrown about between what you've perceived all your life and what only exists in your most outrageously whacked out nightmares, is not an easy one. It's a sensation that can't be described in mere words, and a sensation that can't be properly respected by anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves. It feels immediate, warped, sickly, scary, rejuvenitive and destructive all at once. It feels beautiful, and it feels horrifying. It feels marvelous. It...
"...felt like a bee stung me," Lina grumbled, rubbing at the back of her neck. "Knew I shouldn't have put my hair up."
"Oi," Gourry called, poking his head into her room. "There's not much time left until the new year!"
"Yeah, right," she acknowledged, popping to her feet. "The ball hasn't started the drop yet, has it?"
"Not yet," her companion and unassuming affection stealer admitted.
"Then I'm not late, am I?" she asked, sweeping past him into a den of evil demonic black magic that will now, for the purposes of this story, function as a living room.
"I guess not," Gourry mumbled, following. "But gee, isn't it exciting? The millennium only comes along once every thousand years!"
"Yeah, sure." Lina gave everyone else in the room a spirited wave. "Hey, everybody."
"Happy New Year, Lina-san!" Amelia shouted, bouncing forward and sticking a frilly party hat on her head. "Take a seat there by Zelgadiss! We're going to play charades!"
"This is moronic," the chimera groused from his place on the couch (which was actually a pile of skulls, but again, this isn't supposed to make sense).. "The millennium doesn't even start until next year."
"Don't be so down," Xelloss piped up, nudging him in the ribs. "A party's a party."
Lina hopped down into the seat, legs tucked up under her, Indian (or Native American, if you're apt to be PC) style. "Heya guys. Who brought the cashews?"
"Did somebody call me?" a handsome guy asked, poking his head in the window. He seemed to be draped in some old medieval style clothes.
"Not Kashue. Casew."
"Oh. Sorry." The handsome guy popped on out again.
"Here you go," the fun-happy Mazoku said, offering up a perfectly square little box. "There are some Machadamians, too, if you like those."
"Thanks, Xel," is what Lina would have said, but before she could take the box Gourry had snatched it up himself and she had trade in the gratitude for a good pounding over her sidekick's head. Zelgadiss sighed, holding up an arm to shield himself from the wild scattering of nuts that followed.
"I told you this was idiotic," he mumbled into his tea, ignoring Amelia as she plucked out a cashew that had speared itself on a strand of his hair, and ignoring her again as she cried out for them to guess what kind of animal she was impersonating.
"Where's the hostess at, anyway?" Xelloss inquired politely. "We don't want her to miss Dick-san begin the countdown!"
"Wait a minute," Lina said, blinking. "Who is the hostess?"
"Oh, didn't you know?" Xel piped up.
"Of course she didn't," Naga announced, taking a very jiggly step from what used to be a den of torture and death and was now a kitchen full of expert chefs preparing roast turkey. "Lina's as stunted at etiquette as she is with her measurements. Well, nevermind that, time for the new Third Eye Blind CD."
"Oh, God," Lina grumbled (after smashing her former companion over the head with a wooden peg). "Why'd you guys invite me to her party?"
"Don't be mean, Lina-san. Big sis throws great parties."
"Agreed," Xel piped up, taking the CD from their comatose hostess's hand and popping it in the Player. "She's got such a flair for evil decorum."
"Ugh." Lina crossed her arms and slunk further back into the couch of skulls. "How much longer 'til Dick-san starts?"
Gourry checked his watch, took a moment to translate it into words. "Ano... about five minutes. Are you sure we don't need to withdraw our money from the bank? You know, just in case."
"What's the worst that could happen?" Lina responded flippantly, dooming them all by laws of fiction. "You're not afraid L-sama's going to pop up and destroy the world on the stroke of midnight, too, are you?"
"I wouldn't tempt fate if I were you," Xelloss warned.
"My eternal rival was never noted for her intelligence," Naga explained, slinking into her own chair (made up of a pile of bear traps).
"All you've ever been noted for are your breasts!" Lina snapped back from behind a seething fire of rivalry. "And that annoying ass laugh of yours."
"So, you want a duel!" Naga stood up, and for some reason her just mentioned cleavage seemed to bounce a lot more with that movement than could be scientifically accounted for.
"Oi, oi! Big sis, not on New Year's!" Amelia cried, jumping to her feet.
"Stay out of this," Lina murmured, her eyes giving the triangularly pissed-off Glare of Doom. The kind of Glare of Doom Pat Buchanan can only wish for.
"Zelgadiss-san, talk to them!" the younger princess cried, casting a desperate look over to her arguable love interest to see him and Xelloss in the mild of jamming to "Anything." Zel immediately snapped to attention, shoving Xelloss away from him just in case Amelia got the wrong idea.
"Um, right." He rubbed his palms together, cleared his throat. "Lina, don't get angry because that's all she wants. Naga, we know your insecurity craves attention, but insults are no way to go about it. You two should put away your differences and live happily." Taking a seat, he looked back to Amelia. "How was that?"
"I don't think they heard you," she sighed, and from beyond the newly added giant hole in the wall behind her came the sounds of Fireballs flying and Dragu Slaves destroying.
"Oops, I added wrong." Gourry beamed cluelessly from the background. "We'd better turn the TV on, or we'll miss the whole thing."
"Baka," Zel muttered, bashing the "On" button of the remote a bit hard with his stone thumb. He then proceeded to completely tune out Dick Clark's well-meaning banter in the background and turned his thoughts to why in hell it was so damn hard to get Mukumuku to join your army in Suikoden II. You wouldn't tell by looking at him, but Zel's big on the RPGs.
"It's amazing how young he looks," Amelia praised, munching on some Chex Mex.
"Well, of course," Xel replied. "I don't look over a thousand years old, do I?"
"Wait do you - "
"Ten!"
"Heyheyhey!" Gourry cried, waving his arms. "Here it goes! The ball!"
"Turn it up, Zelgadiss-san," Amelia prodded, flapping her hands at him.
"I can't," he mumbled. "I broke the remote."
"Nine!"
"Are we missing anything?" Lina asked, poking her face (smudged with little char marks and fallen ash) into the living room.
"Eight!"
"Ooh, the countdown!" A much more roughed-up sorceress hopped over Lina's head and into her chair. Lina mumbled a little and followed suit.
"Seven! Six! Five!"
"Oi, aren't you supposed to kiss someone on New Year's?" Xel asked idly, and got a frying skillet over the head for it.
"Four! Three!"
Gourry swallowed. Amelia leaned forward. Naga cast an uneasy glance at the lights.
"Two!"
Zel pretended not to be excited. Lina narrowed her eyes. Xelloss shook off the effects of the skillet.
"One.....!"
Deadly silence.
"HAPPY NEW YEA - "
And the apartment blacked completely out, leaving six pairs of eyes to stare blankly into the darkness.
"Aw, shit."
"I hope this doesn't mean we lost all of everything in the saving's account."
"Ohhhh-ho-ho-ho-ho!"
"Shut the hell UP, Naga!"
"Wait a second... is L-sama gonna show up and destroy us all, too?"
"You bet'cha!"
In the darkness, everyone blinked.
"Ano. Who said that?"
"L-sama! Your huggable harbringer of doom!"
"Argh!" Lina shouted, venting her frustration across Naga jaw. "Just when things were getting calm around here, it's time for Armageddon."
"That's no reason for you to go burn-fisting your rivals," Naga replied somewhere behind a swollen lower lip (and unhealthily over endowed cleavage).
Gourry sighed. "And there's so much I wanted to do with my life."
"Tell me about it," Xelloss responded disconsolately. "All I've done these past thousand years is murder people. I was kind of hoping for a career in economics sometime soon." Abruptly he shook this little mood swing off. "But buck up! Armageddon shouldn't be THAT bad, should it?"
"Whoah whoah whoah," Lina cried, waving her arms. "Why do you want to destroy the Universe now?"
"Ah, the one named Inverse. It brings back fond memories to see you again. But you see, I am lonely. No mortal can imagine the hardships I've been through, without anyone at my side."
"Well hell. We'll just get ya a Chia Pet and fix that right up." Nodding resolutely, Lina reached out to pat L-sama's shoulder and ended up grabbing one of Naga's breasts. Come on, admit it, we all love a good Slayersy breast joke or three.
"Do you mock me?"
"Not at all," Gourry piped up, as their former spokes-sorceress was currently in a feudal brawl with what she thought of as a walking pair of overripe melons. "Zelgadiss over here was lonely once, and we gave him a Chia Pet! He loved it!"
"I Ra Tilted it into oblivion," Zel would have reminded them, but thankfully Amelia had smacked a hand down over his mouth.
"For the record," Xelloss put in, "I quite agree. I once had the one shaped like a man's bald head and it was pretty funny watching the grass grow out of - "
"Enough! I will not accept a Chia Pet! I am Lord of Nightmares! I demand a blood sacrifice!"
"What is it about the millennium?" Zel mumbled, and sipped his tea.
Gourry brightened up, smacked a fist into his palm. "That's it?"
"Erk?" The other five looked in his general direction.
"It's not the millennium yet!" Gourry cried, hopping to his feet. "You said it yourself, Zel-san! The millennium won't be for another year!"
Silence.
Then:
"Oh. Damn. Sorry, guess I goofed. See you next year then!"
Followed by the sound of darkness rising, chaos dispersing, normal life resuming. Or it might have just been the sound of the lights turning back on, dunno for sure.
"You did it, Gourry!" Lina shouted, smacking him on the back. "You saved the world all by yourself!"
"For a year anyway," Zelgadiss muttered. "Well, at least I don't really have to worry about that cure stuff anymore."
"Damn straight," the sorceress agreed, nudging him. "We can all go have some fun for a change."
"Sounds good," Xelloss opined, grinning all wide. "I have dibbs on Zel-kun."
"No, you don't," Zel replied before burying him beneath the couch.
And so ended another fun day in the Slayers pseudo world, with Lina peppy, Zel cynical, Xelloss mischievous, Amelia charmingly innocent, Gourry clueless, and Naga... um.. breasty. In case you're wondering what happened afterward, L-sama did return the next New Year's, but thanks to the careful teachings of the Slayers gang, Dick Clark was ready for her. The ferocious battle lasted longer than any other in human recollection, and destroyed a lot of stuff, and pretty much everyone was dead by the time it was over anyway, but damned if Dick-san didn't pull out ahead.
And so the Universe was saved, and L-sama took up embroidery.
As for the rest of the cast... well, they had good, if bizarre, lives ahead of them, and lived them to their fullest. Lina somehow became World Soccer Champion without ever actually touching a soccer ball. Zelgadiss and Gourry started a heavy metal band called Stone Dumb and Rock Hard, while Xelloss joined N'Sync following the tragic death of girl-favorite Jason. Naga took the obvious leap in becoming a B-movie film star, while Amelia, aware that someday she'd have to deal with breasts that disproportionately huge, decided to offset it by becoming a very unsexy dental hygienist.
So yep, all in all, it was a happy time for those guys. They got back together every so often, like when Naga got married to David Duchovny, and at the I Saved The World More Than Twice conventions. But that's all getting ahead of the purpose of this small fic, which is to wish a fond farewell to the 1900s, and the other nine centuries we've enjoyed since the year 1001. So be safe, and have fun out there. It's a whole new future ahead of us!
Oh yeah, and Amelia occasionally dabbled in experiments with incredibly well-formed actress Colleen Camp from the movie Clue, just in case you're an adolescent male hoping for a little hentai in here somewhere.
end?
The author would like to apologize for writing this. He blames it entirely on the full moon, and hopes that those of you whose heads have not imploded have a very nice millennium. And if anyone feels like sending him chocolate bundt cakes, they would be greatly appreciated.