Obviously, saying "This story is not meant to represent any views" would be a downright lie, so screw THAT. Yes, this IS here to diss on dubs. Mostly, though, it's just to have fun. If you're an avid dub lover, then that's fine with me. Please don't send me any letters saying you were offended or whatever. It's my opinion, yeah? We all have ours. Actually, if you like dubs and are apt to get defensive about them, I'd stop reading this right now. Okay. For the rest of you... happy reading. ^_^
(Lina, Gourry, Zelgadis, Amelia, and Shilfiel are on scene. Scene being a forest.)
Lina: Ha-ha-ha! Lookit all this treasure!
Gourry: Yeah, they were loaded. But you didn't have to be so rough on their leader, Lina-san.
Amelia: Hai! Justice must know it's limits!
Shilfiel: I almost lost him. I agree.
Amelia: It's all right to rough them up a little, but when you got the pliars involved...
Lina: (irritated sound) Are you all against me?! (fireball forming hand) Eh, Zelgadiss?!?!
Zel: .........eh.... of course not....
Lina: Didn't think so. (fireball poofs out)
(Blue lightning flashes from out of nowhere.)
Lina: Huh? What was that?
(Everyone stares at her)
Lina: What?! What are you all doing, looking at me that way?!
Gourry: Lina! What happened to your voice! And why did you use all those extra words in that sentence... ack! It happens to me, too!
Amelia: Miss Lina, Mr. Gourry, what could be wrong with you two?! ...augh! It got me too!
Shilfiel: Well... I... eeeek!
Zel: Damn, why is it always this way with you guys... argh!
Lina: We were all effected! Noooo! What evil force conspired to drive us to this end?
Gourry: Extra words...
Amelia: Short, choppy sentences.
Zel: This is torture.
Lina: I sound like a total bitch! Where's my cuteness?! My spunk?! Augh! NO MORE SPUNK! DRAGON SLAVE!
(Forest blows up)
Gourry: ....you still have plenty of spunk.
Lina: No it's not! I just sound PISSED. It's different! Spunk has a cute quality to it!
Shifiel: I could try healing you...
Amelia: Miss Shilfiel! You sound like you're on crack!
Shilfiel: ...eeeek! Wait, let me see if I can still try my great screechy-scream...
(Everyone covers their ears and drops at the sound)
Lina: Nooo! This is very very bad! What bad thing is going on here?!
Gourry: We sound like this show was meant for fourth graders...
Amelia: Hey, Mr. Gourry! You don't sound... TOO awful.
Gourry: Yeah, I guess I was lucky. But you went from a cute, eccentric flake to a whiny, annoying, brattish idiot!
(Amelia begins crying)
Gourry: Augh! I can't even pronounce your name right anymore! Ah-melya... Ah-melya...
Zel: I sound like a demented English teacher. I don't think I can take this very much longer.
Lina: You'reright! We'dbetter find out whodidthistousnow!
Shifiel: Lina? Why did our words all run together?
Lina: SHUT UP!
Gourry: Ah-melya... Ah... meal... ya... damn...
(Xelloss appears)
Xelloss: Ahhh, minna-san! Looks like I'm the only one not effected.
Zel: Did YOU do this to us? (growls)
Lina: AUGH! Was that a wolf?!?!
Zel: ....it was me...
Xel: I'm afraid I'm innocent. You see, they haven't dubbed NEXT yet.
Lina: So then whodidthistous?!
Shifiel: I need my screechy scream back as soon as possible, sir!
Xel: The culprit is an evil being named SS. We'd better band against this threat, ne?
Lina: Why should we trust YOU?
Xel: Because if we don't stop them, they'll slap me with some horrific voice actor like the rest of you. We have to stop them before they can get to dubbing NEXT! They've already changed my and my friends from Mazoku to Monsters! I mean, couldn't they have been a little more original?!
Lina: I don't think we can quite trust you, Xel.
Amelia: WHAAAA! Miss Lina, I can't listen to myself anymore! PLEASE, let's go with him!
Gourry: ...I don't think I can take her much longer, either.
Lina: ...I know what you mean. Okay, Xelloss. Let's go.
Xel: Wonderful. Follow me.
(Fade out. Fade back in. They're standing on a cliff, overlooking a dark palace somewhere in downtown California or something.)
Xel: That's the place. SS headquarters.
Lina: It just RADIATES evil.
Gourry: Yeah. It's scary.
Amelia: Miss Lina, I don't think I can go. Just hit it with a Dragon Slave and we'll be fine, right? Right?! WHAAA...
Xel: "DRAGON" Slave? This is worse than I thought. Hurry, before they catch onto us.
(Raudy appears from nowhere, waves at Gourry)
Raudy: Hello there.
Gourry: Eh? Oh, look, it's my (insert favored Gourry-Raudy relation here). You're speaking funny, too?
Raudy: (sighs forlornly) I'm afraid we're no longer related. You're a Gabriev. Apparently I'm a Gabriel.
Xel: Their reach has extended farther than I thought...
Lina: Well, I...
(Everyone stares at her)
Lina: WHAT?! My voice changed again! AUGH! Now I don't even have that pissed-off quality!
Zel: Well, at least... hey! I changed too!
Gourry: You sound a lot jumpier... calm down.
Lina: Zel's having a nervous breakdown! Everyone, hold him!
Zel: It's not me! My voice is just too lively... no! Wait...!
(Everyone tackles him, and proceed to tie him to a tree.)
Amelia: There. That should do...
(Long pause, from everyone)
Zel: Hey! YOU sound different! At least you don't sound like a total FREAK now.
Amelia: CALM DOWN, MR. ZELGADIS!!!!
Zel: UNTIE ME, PEOPLE!
Xel: (sadly) The effects of dubbing are terrifying to behold...
Gourry: Ahmeelya... Ahm... Aaaahhhhhm.... eeeel... ya. Damn!
Zel: I am the walrus... coo-coo-cachu!
Xel: Oh no!
Lina: What the hell was that?! He's gone INSANE!
Xel: The dubbing has proceeded very far! We're now witnessing the American-reference phase!
(On cue, Joylocke and Naga appear)
Lina: YOU guys! Are YOU behind this!?
Joy: Hey! I'm as much a victim as you are! They made me a freaking Warner Brothers fanatic!
Xel: So ADV is an opponent, too. This is shaping up to be a bloody battle...
Lina: What about YOU Naga? Was it your evil scheming that brought us to this... ack! Too many words again...
Gourry: ...ahmeelya... no... ahm...
Naga: AH-HOHOHO! Of course not! But at least I still have my laugh.
Zel: Hey-hey, we're the monkeys...
Joy: We're gonna help.
(Long pause)
Lina: Eh? You need to explain a little more than THAT.
Xel: Be patient, Lina-san. It's just another after-effect.
Lina: I don't care!!! EXPLOSION ARRAY!!!!!!
(Joy blows up)
Gourry: Augh! Hey, since when did Dil Brand become...?
Lina: BITE ME!
(A wounded Joy collapses in the background.)
Naga: This is truly a horrifying ordeal. I'M the one who's supposed to have the grating power-of-voice attack.
(Towel runs up, panting)
Towel: Hey! I want to help, too! Those bastards turned me into Lufa Pad!
Amelia: Get in line. They've made ALL our names more American-sounding. Right, Gourry?
Gourry: Ahmeeeelya...
Towel/Lufa Pad: Come on! Let's fight!
(Just then, two evil-looking men walk up, both dressed in black.)
ADV: You're the ones trying to sabotage our dubbing ring?
SS: I'll have you know, Lina Ortiz is very popular among newbies who can't tell the difference between crap and quality!
Lina: So I go from the best seiyuu in Japan to HER?! That's it... DRAGON SLAVE!!!
Both Evil Men: HAHAHAH!
SS: You can't hurt us! That's OUR spell!
Xel: He's right. The only spell that can work against them is the Dragu Slave. And you've lost that ability.
Lina: AUGH! This sucks!
Amelia: If I had my old whiny voice, I could annoy them to death.
Lina: ............EXPLOSION ARRAY!
(SS blows up. Glasses fall from the sky.)
ADV: ...what?!
Xel: Ah-ha! Swift thinking, Shilfiel. SS couldn't defend against that, because it wasn't their spell.
Shilfiel: Wow! Brilliant, Lina!
Lina: I was just pissed!
ADV: Well, you still can't get ME. And whatever I say goes!
Lina, Naga, Joy, Raudy, and Towel/Lufa Pad: SURE WE CAN!
ADV: ...
(The five attack with their fists. On connection, it sounds like they've punched hard metal, and they fall groaning to the side.)
ADV: See?! We OWN you people! You can't hurt us!
Xel: But WE were never in YOUR videos.
(Xelloss, Gourry, Amelia, and Shilfiel advance.)
Zel: HEY! UNTIE MEEE! I WANNA KICK ASS TOO!
ADV: ......h...hey now...
All four: PREPARE TO DIE!
Xel: Change us back to Mazoku!
Gourry: Let me pronounce Ahmeelya!
Amelia: Turn me back into a cute, eccentric flake!
Shilfiel: GIVE ME BACK MY SCREECHY SCREAM!
ADV: ....aaaaaugh!
(ADV flees, others pursue. Fade out, fade in on a peaceful epilogue scene. It's night, and the gang is feeding on ADV Stew.)
Lina: Ahhhh, and once again I don't sound like a completely moron.
Zel: No comment.
Lina: .....Dragu Slave!
(Explosions.)
Lina: Wow! It's nice doing that again!
Voice: Ah-hahah. But you're not rid of us, Lina Inverse! Our dark, evil organizations still live on! And so will dubbing! There's no way out of it!
(Silence.)
Voice: Well, unless you killed all the newbies who actually LIKE that crap...
All: Sounds good!
(Gang runs off. Soon the wailing screams can be heard from a distance.)
Uh... don't send me any flames for this, okay? ^_^;;;; I'll probably be adding more as ADV and Software Sculptors releases more of these eightieth-rate dub projects... and I might change little things around in here, too. I think it's pretty obvious that none of the jokes here were actually SUBTLE... ^_-