Razilee's fingers tightened on the book in disbelief, her eyes not comprehending the words written before her. There was no way. There was no way! She wouldn't believe it. Impossible! Her mother...her father... She shook her head and dropped the diary on the floor, the resulting boom echoing throughout the deserted library. She brought a shaking hand to her forehead and curled up tighter against the wall, the horrible epiphany coursing through her numb mind.
"No," she whispered, trembling violently. Her Daddy couldn't have done that. He was a wonderful and loving father! "No!" Her parents loved each other! They were happy and content together! Maybe I'm wrong, she insisted to herself. Maybe I'm not reading it right. She uncurled herself and picked the diary off the cold floor, turning to the page where she'd left off with a frightened hand.
...Xelloss-san came to me in the night and he stole my maidenhood. I can hardly believe it myself. How could I have underestimated what he'd do? How could he have done that? He's a Mazoku. A horrible, horrible, evil Mazoku.
Razilee dropped the book again and covered her face with her hands. No, she hadn't been mistaken. Daddy was...a bad man? "No," she whispered again, feeling tears collect in her eyes as her childhood memories shattered. If he'd done that once, had he done it other times as well? Had he been raping Mommy the entire time? Was that why they'd fought so often? Had he forced her to be with him? The tears ran down her cheeks. She had never in a million years expected that her father was that cruel.
Or had she? He was full Mazoku, after all. He was supposed to be evil, supposed to be cruel and unfeeling. But he was never that way to her. Did Mazoku love only their offspring?
That couldn't be possible. She'd seen the way he acted with her mother, near the end. She'd seen the knowing glances and shared smiles, the connection. It couldn't be what she was thinking...right?
There was only one way to find out. Gathering her courage, Razilee reached for the diary again and made her trembling fingers flip through the pages, ending again in that doomed place. She didn't want to look at those words. She wanted to forget, to block it out and forget she'd ever come across that information. But this was truth. Her fingers found the page again.
...horrible, horrible, evil Mazoku. He betrayed me. He violated me! I don't understand why. Just a week ago we were sitting together having tea and conversation! But then...but then... It was the middle of the night when he came, waking me from sleep. I don't know what he was thinking when he asked if he could make love to me. I tried to tell him that I didn't love him, but that just upset him. I pushed him and hit him and told him to leave, but he only grew angrier and more violent. It was like he was possessed.
He hurt me worse than I care to remember. I cried and cried and begged, but he didn't stop. He...
There it was, all in blunt, horrid detail. Tears flowed from Razilee's eyes as she read on, the revered memories of her father bending and warping within her mind. The full force of her mother's fear and shame slammed into her, sending sharp pains through her senses. Her father had put her mother through that!
I was going to go to the temple at Serga yesterday, to see if they could cleanse me. But when I tried to cast a healing spell on myself, I found that the dirty Mazoku had left me another scarring mark. I'm pregnant.
"Oh, for L-sama's sake!" Razilee burst out. "As if it couldn't get any worse!" She curled into a little ball and let loose a flood of tears, hugging her knees to her chest. Her eyes grew wetter as she realized whose cloak she was wearing that day, whose soft and usually comforting cloak. Fumbling with the clasp, she tore it off and thrust it into a cobwebbed corner. Her father's cloak. Her father had worn that cloak when he went to see her mother. "Daddy, how could you?" she whispered, anguished. "How could you?"
The older female stared with her cold eyes, dumbed by the shock and confusion she felt. Her son's mate was...not a wolf. What?
Shit. He'd really let the fox out of the hole on this one. Daertal turned his back on his mother, his long tail swishing in the dust. You heard me. He yowled in pain as she dug her claws into his haunches, a sign of immediate warning. Limping a few feet away, the young wolf faced his mother again.
Her eyes were angry and upset, filled with a fire he'd seen only once before, on the day his father had been killed by a bear. You've mated with one of those Mazoku, haven't you?! she demanded.
Daertal winced. What of it?
It's that girl, isn't it? I knew I shouldn't have let you befriend her! I knew she was trouble, right from the start! His mother stalked back and forth across the den, pausing only to swipe at him with her claws. You've done some stupid things, son, but this tops them all!
I don't see how this is stupid.
She ignored him and continued to rant. I knew she was bad! She's corrupted and stolen you, made you do unnatural things!
It's not unnatural!
She paused in her rant. Oh? I wouldn't say a wolf and a Mazoku have compatible forms.
He licked his lips nervously, barely conscious that that was another trait he'd picked up from Razilee. She...she's a shapeshifter, Mother. She can...change forms.
Her fiery eyes gauged him carefully, sensing that he was not quite telling the truth. And this is not unnatural? You could have any real wolf you want, and yet you choose a Mazoku! It's unheard of! She's done something to you, that Mazoku harlot!
Keep such thoughts to yourself, Mother! Daertal snapped, clearly angry. She's done nothing to me!
Are you saying you decided this yourself?!
Yes! I love her!
He recoiled from the sudden blow his mother dealt him, shocked that she would use such violence with her own son. How many times do I have to tell you this?! she practically screamed at him, every bit of fur on her body standing on end. Wolves. Do. Not. Love. We pick our mates for speed, strength, and breeding capabilities.
Maybe you do, Mother.
ALL wolves do, she corrected him, smacking him again. Don't be a fool. There's no such thing as love, for us.
You're wrong. Daertal rubbed his bloody nose against his leg, smearing it on his fur. I love Razilee. I know I love her, and she loves me.
You don't, she insisted. There was a long pause, broken only by the whuffling noise the wounded young wolf was making. Son.
What is it, Mother? His patience was wearing very thin.
You will leave her. His head snapped up. I order it.
You can't order me to do that! I won't leave her. I'll NEVER leave her!
Her eyes glared at him, cold again. You sicken me. Get out of my sight. We shall see what Juuou-sama has to say about this.
The days are growing colder and colder, what with snow blanketing the city. I'm scared that little Razilee will freeze in all this cold. I still haven't regained my magic and all the fireplaces in this rathole are drafty. Somehow I have to get the baby out of this place and somewhere warmer, better. I still can't find any decent work. Who knew scullery maids were paid so little? Now I feel bad for the women I used to see working at Daddy's palace. I never dreamed their work was so bad and rewarded so little.
I know I should give Razilee to someone who can take better care of her. I'm not fit to be a mother. I don't know anything about babies and even less about responsibility. I'm...I'm... But I can't give her up. I couldn't bear leaving her. She's my daughter, my baby. Part of me.
Razilee wiped uselessly at her eyes, her skin absolutely soaked with salty tears. As if it hadn't been bad enough to know that her father had raped her mother. As if it hadn't been bad enough to know that she'd been conceived on that same night. Her father had abandoned her mother and left her to suffer, pregnant and alone. On the run from hunger and death. Left to take care of a baby all by herself. Left to take care of her.
From there the diary skipped a few entries. Her mother had written very little during these tough times, depressed by repeating her problems. Only when something new came along did she write again.
XVIVd20.61
Dear Diary,
My life has changed dramatically, I'm afraid. All my old worries are gone, but they are replaced by newer, more frightening ones. I was visited by Xelloss in the night. Yes, that monster himself showed up and claimed my baby as his daughter! I don't know how he found us. I don't know why he found us. I was terrified that he'd take Razilee away from me and I'd never see her again, but that wasn't his goal. He wanted me, too.
What could I do? Either he took Razilee, or he took the both of us; those were my choices. I accepted the latter. I may have to live with him, but at least I get to be with my baby. After the agreement we...consummated this new arrangement, and I'm ashamed to say I actually enjoyed it. After all this time, and everything he's done to me, I still wanted him. Damn him. Damn me, too.
Now I'm sharing a bed with him at his master's castle, far away from any type of human civilization. Far away from my old life. Everything here scares me. Xelloss scares me, his master scares me, the wolves scare me, the Mazoku scare me, the castle scares me, and I scare myself. Did I mention I was sharing a bed with him? You'd think my old justice would kick in and rebuke me for such behavior. But...it's different than I thought it would be. I imagined it would be rougher, more like that awful night, but no...he's gentle like he was in my dreams. That confuses me.
At least I know I've kept some of my innocence. I'm blushing right now as I write this.
Razilee trembled slightly, her eyes drier. So he had come for her. A small spark of hope lit within her chest. So he had been gentle with her. He had given her a choice. She rubbed the rest of her tears from her cheeks and turned the page, reading on.