Mukashi mukashi, there existed a place called Kansas. Kansas was a very dull and gray place, where the only things that graced the scenery were windmills and cows. Now, way off in the boonies of Kansas lived a little girl, and her name was Dorothy. Dorothy had no parents, and had instead been raised by her older sister until said older sister had to go off to become the champion of lizards, or something like that. So Dorothy was dumped with her elderly aunt and uncle, whom she hadn't even known were alive.
Now, Dorothy was a happy child who consumed approximately as much food as a full grown elephant on a daily basis. Because of this, Dorothy's family wasn't exactly rolling in dough. Her Aunt Emily and Uncle Henry had to work very hard on their pissant little farm to support their niece's eating habits.
Dorothy's only friend was a little goldfish named Noonza. Living out in the middle of nowhere didn't make for much human contact, you see. And besides that fact, our little heroine didn't make friends easily because of her violent temper.
One day, Uncle Henry was out with the cows, doing farmer-type things [1] when he happened to look up in the sky. Lo and behold! There was one hell of a big tornado coming his way. So Uncle Henry took off towards the house, biballs a flyin', screaming "Twister a comin'! Twister a comin'!" since a twister was what a tornado was called in quaint little hick areas like Kansas.
Well, Aunt Emily (or Em) dropped whatever it was she was doing [2] and ran to the storm cellar. Henry followed suit, and they both yelled at Dorothy to do the same.
"But Noonza!" cried the girl, running back to the house.
"Forget about the stupid fish!" Henry yelled in desperation. "We'll buy you a new one!"
"You don't understand," Dorothy said through her tears. "There's no food in the storm cellar! If we're stuck down there a long time, I'll need something to eat!" Aunt Em and Uncle Henry shut up after this declaration, since they'd rather not become their niece's dinner themselves, thank you.
Dorothy ran back into the house and that was when the twister struck. Dorothy was thrown across the room where she rapped her head a good one and fell unconscious.
Sounds of little birds and music [3]
"What the fu - " Dorothy began as she opened her eyes. All was quiet, except for those damn chirping birds. Dorothy got to her feet and walked over to where Noonza was laying on the floor amid a pool of water and broken glass. Dorothy wept a bit, then decided there was no sense in wasting the body. She had just found some rice and seaweed when Noonza got up. With some surprise Dorothy noted that her little pet now had legs and arms, but still looked really stupid.
"Uh, good look for you," she said. Noonza made some inarticulate burblings in response. Dorothy sighed and put away her sashimi trappings. "Come on Noonza," she said. "Let's see what happened out there. Dorothy swung open the door and was promptly assaulted with scenery so bright and gaudy it just had to be made out of plastic.
"Ug," our heroine said. Noonza burbled some more.
Dorothy then got that creepy feeling that tells you that you are not alone. From the noxiously bright green underbrush emerged a hoard of very tiny women all clad in leather. They all pointed at Dorothy's dinky little farm-house and began to laugh in a most frightening manner. Suddenly music [4] interrupted their cackling, and a soft, fuzzy pink light appeared and bounced along until it came to rest in front of Dorothy. Then it changed into the form of a tall woman dressed in a big, pink, flouncey gown with a tiara on her head and a wand that looked suspiciously like a mace in her hand.
"Don't mind the Munchkins," the strange woman told Dorothy in a forced falsetto. "They just like to laugh a lot."
"Uh, yeah. I noticed." Dorothy eyed the newcomer warily. Pink dress, tiara, blonde hair, and some sort of odd bulge under her skirt. What a weirdo. "Who the hell are you? And where am I?"
"I'm Glinda, the Good Witch. You are in the Wonderful Land of Oz!! And I and all the little Munchkins want to thank you for killing the Wicked Witch of the East!" Glinda gestured with her wand towards the house. Dorothy now noticed a pair of feet sticking out from under the front porch.
"Whoops," she said lamely.
"You must indeed be a powerful sorceress to defeat the Wicked Witch," Glinda went on.
Dorothy shook her head. "Listen lady, I'm just a normal girl. All I want is to get back home to Kansas. Can you point me in the general direction?"
"Kansas?" Glinda blinked cutely. "What is this 'Kansas' you speak of, my child?"
Dorothy looked at Noonza for help, but the fish just shrugged. Glinda tapped her wand against her chin thoughtfully. "Well," she said at last. "You could go see the Wizard. I'm sure he'll know what to do." The Munchkins thought this was a great idea and starting laughing to show their support. "Shut up!" Glinda said in a rather pissed off 'I'm-not-done-talking-yet' sort of voice and punted one of the Munchkins across the plastic-fantastic lawn with one delicate foot. She turned back to Dorothy.
"Yes! The Wizard! All you have to do is follow the yellow brick road, and you'll come to the Amethyst City where he lives. And you'll want to take those shoes over there." Dorothy followed Glinda's wand and saw she pointing at the remains of the Wicked Witch of the East.
"Eww!" Dorothy exclaimed. "I'm not wearing a dead person's shoes!"
"But they have great magical properties," Glinda told her. "And you might be able to sell them for a few bucks." Dorothy's eyes lit up at the mention of money and she dashed over to the carcass and pried off the shoes, which were ruby red.
"Kinda ugly, aren't they?" Dorothy asked.
Glinda shrugged. "Feh, what're you gonna do?"
So Dorothy put n the ruby slippers and started off down the yellow-brick road with Noonza following behind her. The Munchkins all cheered, busted out the booze and started singing a drunken farewell song.
Some ways down the road...
Dorothy was getting tired, so she sat on a fence to rest. She then got the living snot scared out of her when a voice said "Hullo."
Dorothy whirled around, heart pumping, but all she could see was lots of corn. Then she heard the voice again: "Hullo."
Dorothy peered down into the rows of corn and at last discovered the source of the voice. A tall, lanky young man with blonde hair was laying in the dirt, smiling up at her.
"Hi," Dorothy started carefully.
The man smiled. "Hi! I'm Gourry!"
"Why are you laying in the dirt?' Dorothy asked.
Gourry thought about this long and hard. "I don't know!" he answered at last with a sunny grin.
Dorothy shook her head. "Don't you have a brain?" she asked irritably.
"Nope," came the cheerful reply. "See, I was supposed to stand out here in the corn field and scare the crows away with this," he proudly displayed a very impressive phallic sword. "I was chosen because they knew I wouldn't get as bored as most people due to the fact I was born without a brain."
"How long have you been standing here?"
"Oh, a few years, I dunno."
Dorothy facefaulted.
"What did you EAT?" she asked, horrified.
"Corn. Lots and lots of corn." He paused, frowning. "But now I'm sick of corn. I want to go adventuring, and see the world and rescue damsels in distress." He brightened again. "You look almost like a damsel! Can I help you?"
"'Almost?'"
So, after a rather severe beating (5) it was decided that Gourry the Brainless Crow-Scaring Guy would accompany Dorothy on her trip to the Amethyst City.
Some time later....
Dorothy and the Brainless Crow-Scaring Guy were walking through a dark wooded area when they heard a groan. [6] The Brainless One glomped onto Dorothy and whimpered. "What was that?" asked he. Dorothy shook her head.
"I dunno."
The noise came again, and Dorothy decided to investigate. She walked a little distance into the woods and found the noise seemed to be coming from a weird statue of some kind that was sitting on a log in an advanced state of melancholy. As she watched, the statue fetched a deep sigh.
"Uh, hello," Dorothy said. The rock-man didn't move. "O-kaaaaay," Dorothy muttered. "What's up with you?"
"I can't move," the rock-man replied.
"Why not?"
"Too depressed. The only thing that gets me going is coffee, [7] and I left that in my cabin over there." His eyes moved in the general direction of the cabin. Dorothy, being a kind soul at heart, patted the rock-man's shoulder.
"Don't worry," she told him. "I'll be right back."
So Dorothy went to the cabin, brewed some coffee, and came back to the sight of the Brainless Crow-scaring Guy poking the hapless rock-man with a stick. She shooed him away and gave the statue guy his coffee. Immediately the rock-man's ears perked up, and a few seconds later he was standing and stretching. "Thanks," he said.
"No problem. I'm Dorothy and this is Gourry, the Brainless Crow-Scaring Guy. Who are you, and what happened to you?"
"I'm Zelgadis, and I'm a woodsman. I was turned into a living rock by the Wicked Witch of the West. If I don't drink any coffee, my depression at being turned into a freak overwhelms me and I can't move."
"Gee, that's terrible," the Brainless Crow-Scaring Guy commented.
"Yeah. So now all I really want is a cure."
Dorothy thought about this for a second, then smiled. "Why don't you come with us to the Amethyst City? I'm sure the Wizard can find you a cure!"
The Stone Woodsman thought about this, then nodded. "Okay," he agreed, and they set off.
Even more elapsed time...
The intrepid travelers were huddled together as they walked through a particularly scary part of the forest. "Gee," the Brainless Crow-Scaring Guy said. "There could be wild animals in here. Like lions,"
"Or tigers," added the Stone Woodsman.
"Or bears," Dorothy concluded, and then in unison they all said "Oh my!"
Suddenly a figure leapt out onto the road, scaring them all snotless. It was a girl, who was younger than Dorothy but still had larger breasts. "Halt!" she cried. "In the name of Justice!"
The stone woodsman glared at her and the girl broke into tears. "Oh, who am I kidding?" she wailed. "I can't stand up for Justice... I'm too, too... SCARED! WAH! I don't have any courage you see," she explained.
Dorothy did her best to comfort the sniveling girl. "Why don't you come with us to the Amethyst City?" she asked. "The Wizard can probably give you some courage." The Cowardly Justice Freak dried her tears and jumped to her feet.
"Yay!" she cried. The Stone Woodsman sighed, wondering if this was a good idea...
Later still....
"There it is!" Dorothy exclaimed. The little group could now see the spiraling towers of the Amethyst City, bright purple in the sunlight. [8] But before they could get to the city, they would have to cross a field of poppies. The group started across the field, and immediately started to feel drowsy.
"Oh crap," Dorothy said as the Brainless Crow-Scaring Guy fell over, a snot bubble hanging from one nostril. The Cowardly Justice Freak was likewise beginning to wobble. Dorothy yawned, then remembered what Glinda had told her about the ruby slippers. They were supposed to have great magical powers...
"Fireball," Dorothy yawned, and suddenly a blazing inferno incinerated the poppy field The Cowardly Justice Freak woke up right away, but the Stone Woodsman had to kick the sleeping Crow-Scaring Guy for a while first.
And so, Dorothy and her friends arrived at the gates of the Amethyst City.
This story was written while I was under the influence of iced tea and had Xelloss hanging over my shoulder, whispering some rather silly things. Those little numbers throughout the story..? Those are those little whisperings and silly thoughts, which I have put below. Damn Mazoku...
Xel: Don't curse your own kind, dear.
Miss Nightfall: Yes sir.